To celebrate the release of her new book, author Tracy Bloom shares the things we would never say on 25th December. 

No-One Ever Has Sex On Christmas Day

No-One Ever Has Sex On Christmas Day

No really, I insist that I make Christmas dinner for fourteen whilst you sit on your backside because after all you did all the Christmas shopping and wrapped all the presents and made the nativity costumes and wrote all the Christmas cards…. just like you always do.

Of course I don’t mind at all that your mother makes the bread sauce because she hates the way I do it. I couldn’t be happier.

Santa drank the whole bottle of sherry that you left for him last night? We must have been a designated re-hydration spot.

Right – is everyone ready to go to church?

I’m so delighted with all my presents that I’ll start writing my thank-you letters now, this very minute.

I knew that there was something we had to do today – book a holiday!

It’s ten o’clock, we really will have to wake the children up now. Typical they choose today to have a lie-in.

Christmas dinner is a bit like chinese food. You just know that half an hour after you think you’ve finished that you are going to be really hungry again.

I LOVE this rose scented talcum powder wrapped in a flannel that made to look like a snowman. This is the last thing I would put in the draw to donate to the school fair at the earliest opportunity.

There is something about Christmas Day that makes me just want to have sex!