As a romantic novelist, I fall in love at least once, if not twice a year. I also go through regular break-ups, negotiate reconciliations and plan dream proposals – and responses! I spend my entire working day (give or take a few teabreaks) thinking about love in all its many forms, and this is what I’ve learned over the years:
Unexpected Lessons in Love
Life is made up of chapters, not one long story: It’s hard to see it from the tear-stained, chocolate-smudged middle of a break-up, but not every relationship is supposed to last forever. Some are life lessons, some are holidays from reality, some are honest mistakes. It’s fine to turn the page and move on if it’s stopped making you happy.
Give love room to grow. My parents were happily married for 54 years. I asked my mum what their secret was, and she said, ‘Breathing space’. Being someone in her own right, as well as being a wife and mother, was important to her and my dad: they always had new things to talk about, and it sustained that sexy sense of discovery for a lifetime. Friends, hobbies, passions, career – fresh air keeps a flame alive, not a smothering blanket.
Fall in love with a person, not their possibilities: so many people (me included) get trapped in dead ends, waiting for a lover with incredible potential to land that record deal/stop drinking/go to counselling. They never do, and yet you can’t bear to leave because if they did, they’d be completely perfect. Life’s short. You can encourage people to reach for their dreams, but you can’t, and shouldn’t, change them.
Love empties your mousetraps: I had a boyfriend who sent me romantic poetry and borderline proposed on our third date… but two-timed me shamelessly. Beware performance boyfriends. The man who picks up your meds when you’re sick, makes you laugh even when you’ve had the day from hell, and loves you in your sweatiest gym kit is a keeper.
You are your own other half. Relying on someone else for your happiness, motivation or financial security sets a bomb ticking in the heart of your relationship. It also attracts abusers like moths to a flame. Once you learn to love who are you inside, accepting all your flaws and strengths and quirks, you emit beautiful happiness-attracting vibes. It’s way better to be in a happy relationship with yourself, than in a miserable one with the wrong person.
If you want devoted, uncomplicated affection, adopt a dog. Yes, there’s a little hands-on poo-bag action but nothing beats the heart-stopping joy of a delirious doggy welcome, even when you only left the room to get your phone.
Love doesn’t have a timetable. There’s no way to predict when romance might sparkle into your world. I wasn’t expecting to meet my husband at a rugby match during a self-imposed Happy and Single kick – but I did. Keep your heart – and your mind – open, and you might be surprised what appears.