Billy Porter has “never” had unconditional love.
Billy Porter
The 51-year-old actor – who is married to Adam Smith – was abused by his stepfather as a boy and admitted his troubled upbringing is still affecting his life today and relationships can be difficult.
He said: “I’m trying to figure out how to receive unconditional love. That’s hard to do when you’ve never really had it, so I’m trying to navigate that.”
And Billy admitted he finds it difficult to open up to his husband.
Asked his most unappealing habit, he said: “Believe it or not, holding in my emotions in a relationship. Not talking as much as I should with my partner.”
The ‘Pose’ star is slowly working towards being able to forgive his parents but wishes his mother was healthy enough to spend more time with him.
Asked what he owes his parents, he said: “Forgiveness. I’m pretty much there.
“My mother lives in a nursing home in New Jersey. She’s the love of my life, and it breaks my heart that she has a degenerative disability and can’t hang out with me in person during all the success I am having now.”
Billy is also still haunted by being rejected by his church family because of his sexuality.
He told Guardian Weekend magazine: “When I was young, my church community said that I would never be blessed as long as I chose to be gay. And we all know it’s not a choice.”
And asked his biggest disappointment, he added: “The rejection that I have received from my own people.”
The actor’s earliest memory is of singing in the church as a child and showing he was “masculine enough”.
He said: “[My earliest memory is] singing a solo at my Ascension Baptist church when I was five or six.
“There were already fears that I wasn’t masculine enough. When I sang, all of the fear in the adults’ eyes went away.”