If everything happens on one day...

Ed Patrick by Steve Ullathorne

Ed Patrick by Steve Ullathorne

Wake up, stare at phone apps for 30mins, put phone down, clap hands and promise to be productive. Spend 20mins more on phone apps. Go downstairs make an awesome coffee with my awesome coffee machine, get so excited by my awesome coffee and dance in kitchen to unpredictable playlist of music on streaming site (Taylor Swift, Jungle Book soundtrack etc.). Realise 60mins later I've not been productive, and not dressed. Panic that flatmates might be in and gingerly call out "anybody home?". Have shower. Engage in various electronic communications. Look outside, wonder if I should've been a dog, and go for a run.

Time for hospital shift, find A+E scrubs, crocs, stethoscope, pen torch, lots of pens and make another coffee to go. Go into hospital thinking about all the comedy related things I need to do. Say hello to other doctors/nurses, look at the in-department screen hoping it's not too busy. See patients, generally alternating between the adult and children's department. Wash hands lots, notice subsequent dryness of hands, look for moisturiser. If possible find time for a coffee, have smug feeling of how much better my coffee was. Finish with a mixture of relief, tiredness and hunger. Go to supermarket and have scotch egg. Speak to parents and listen to comments about how it would be nice to have more grandchildren.

Drive back for gig local to home, feel relieved gig is close to home tonight. Get back, swap out of scrubs into jeans and whatever top is looking lucky. Write potential set list, set off to gig. Walk into gig thinking about all the medicine related things I need to do. Do gig. Have drinks after, go home. Sleep.

See Ed Patrick: Junior Optimist at Just The Tonic Community Project 4th-28th August, 6.50pm. For tickets visit www.edfringe.com