I’m going on my Honeymoon in August.

Robin Morgan by Matt Stronge

Robin Morgan by Matt Stronge

Honeymoons are inherently very funny. It’s a holiday, sure. But it’s also a holiday where you have unbelievable amounts of pressure to have THE MOST ROMANTIC TIME™ and have ALL OF THE SEX™. Nothing can live up to that. And I find that hilarious.

Honeymoons made sense back in the day - when you needed that time away, with intimacy and seclusion, because you’d only met twice before and you couldn’t actually remember their name, but there was a war on, so chop chop.

It’s the the best month of your marriage. Which does suggest it all goes downhill and becomes rather bitter after that, doesn’t it? Is that all we get? One month of happiness? Bit bleak, guys.

The phrase was coined in 1546 - the final year of Henry VIII’s reign. Not surprising, really. That man loved a marriage. He loved a divorce and a beheading, sure. The first month of a marriage to him was truly as good as it got.

There are many lists online suggesting what couples should do on their honeymoon.

These genuinely range from ‘read a sexy book’ (the bit in Harry Potter where he gets off with Cho Chang is a particular favourite), ‘have a pillow fight’ (you will be fined by the hotel if you’re staying in a Travelodge, just FYI) and ‘make sure you go alone’ (just in case you were planning on bringing your Great Aunt Karen, regardless of how fun she was at the wedding. She doesn’t want to share a room with you).

There is one thing on these lists you definitely should do - and that’s get a sneaky upgrade. You’ve got to ask for an upgrade if you can. You’re on your Honeymoon! Be a bit cheeky! Call up Vodafone and ask for unlimited data. Don’t ask, don’t get.

It’s just the expectations versus the reality that I find so funny. Will you really watch the sunrise on a beach while wearing all white? No, because you’re not living in a Jennifer Lopez movie. You’ll set an alarm to watch the sunrise but snooze it three times and then smash the hotel breakfast taking three bread rolls with you ‘for the day’.

Society tells you that on your honeymoon you should be living your best life. But perhaps that’s why the months after it aren’t as good. No marriage can compare to that first week in Bali when you ate six pheasants off the chest of a local priest.

We should scale honeymoons back. Sure, light some candles, put some rose petals on the bed. But also leave the washing up to be done and set an alarm on your phone for 8am to try and get a doctor’s appointment for that thing with your foot.

Honeymoons are inherently very funny. With that in mind, you should see my show ‘Robin Morgan: Honeymoon’ this August at the Edinburgh Festival.

Yep. This August, I’ll be spending my actual honeymoon up in Edinburgh. The only problem is my wife won’t be there. Why? Come and find out.

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