I was in a Singers Masterclass in New York when the teacher seemed to zero in on me when she said, “you have to be sure of who you are, before you can even begin to allow for self-expression.” I say she zeroed in on me because she was looking straight at me.
In my mind, I wondered how she knew I wasn’t sure. Was it because I never really allowed myself to be vulnerable when I sang? I sang the words and paid close attention to technique but I knew I remained guarded.
I come from a very staunch Roman Catholic background. Although I left my country when I was 22-years-old, I struggled with how to come to terms with my sexuality. It was more than the fear of being judged. I realised I worked so hard on creating an image that I felt was acceptable. To strip myself of years of scaffolding was terrifying. Mainly because I was not sure of what I would find.
I had the closet door open just enough for me to slip in and out for safety. Then one day I fell in love. Loving comes with a price. It asks for truth. There was no hiding now. There was nowhere to conceal hurt from a dysfunctional childhood and an upbringing that found my identity as insufferable.
The song Lost is a song from the heart. The words are as raw as the emotions that catapulted me into shedding the image. The one person and only person that needed to be OK with me, was me. Freedom!