We talk to Polly Neate, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid about domestic violence towards women.
Relationships on Female First
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour within an intimate relationship where one partner is violent towards the other. Domestic violence is a gendered crime with the majority of victims being women and majority of perpetrators being men. It can include any kinds of behaviour which coerce or manipulate the abused partner into behaving or thinking in particular ways. Most people think of physical violence first, but it also includes verbal abuse like name-calling and verbal aggression; financial abuse, where the man will control or limit his partner’s access to money or basic necessities; psychological abuse, which makes a partner feel like her behaviour is in the wrong, makes her feel like she is going mad, or which warps reality in some way; or sexual abuse. Any behaviour which makes one partner subservient to or controlled by the other is domestic violence.
Who is affected by this?
The vast majority of victims of domestic violence are women: domestic violence is a pattern of control, and 89% of people who report experiencing repeat episodes of violence or abuse are women. One in four women in the UK will be affected by domestic violence every year, and women from all backgrounds can be affected. Young women are most likely to experience abuse, but Women’s Aid supports women of all ages, nationalities, social classes, ethnicities, and all kinds of personalities. It’s certainly not the case that there’s a particular ‘type’ of woman who will experience domestic violence – often survivors say they thought it could never happen to them because they are strong and independent, or well-educated professionals. The stereotype of the ‘domestic violence victim’ who is weak, submissive, and poor just doesn’t match the reality. Of course, children growing up in families where there is domestic violence are also affected, often seriously. There are around 750,000 children in the UK exposed to domestic violence each year.
If you have a friend who is experiencing it what should you do?
Perpetrators of domestic violence often try to isolate the women they abuse, to increase their control, so the most important thing you can do for a friend is be there. If someone tells you she’s experiencing abuse, it’s really important to let her know you believe her, that you will be there for her, and you won’t judge her. If she wants help to escape the relationship, support her to create a safe escape plan using the resources on www.womensaid.org.uk . If you suspect a friend is being abused, don’t try and force her to talk about it, but let her know you’re there if she needs you, and try to maintain open lines of communication even if she seems to be drawing away or her partner tries to cut you off, so long as it’s safe for you to do so. Don’t try and address the situation directly by speaking to her partner as it might prompt him to be violent towards you, or he may become more abusive to her. If you suspect someone is in immediate danger, call 999.
How common is domestic violence in the UK?
Domestic violence is worryingly common: one in four women will experience it in her lifetime and 1.2million women experienced it last year alone. Two women a week are killed by partners or ex-partners. The worrying thing is that these numbers haven’t changed much for a long time, so contrary to the public perception domestic violence is not going away.
Why are people often afraid to come forward about being abused?
Disclosing domestic violence can be complicated. Many women are very simply afraid of what their partners will do to them. The most dangerous time for a woman experiencing domestic violence is when she tries to leave – many perpetrators who feel they are losing control will step-up their violence in response. At the same time, because there are many stereotypes around domestic violence, many women feel ashamed about the abuse, or worry that people won’t believe them if they say they are being abused. Many women have been told that they deserve the abuse, that it’s normal, or that no one would help anyway. Society also tends to talk about women who’ve experienced domestic violence as ‘victims’ and ‘weak’ women who can’t stand up for themselves. Many women, particularly if they are successful or well-educated, don’t want to be defined by the violence, or don’t want to be seen as a victim. Many women will stay because they believe it’s important for children to grow up with a father figure, and might fear having their children taken away if they tell anyone about the abuse.
How can it start at home, what might trigger it?
Domestic violence happens because one partner believes they have a right to control the other, that they have a form of ownership. So talking about ‘triggers’ is a bit misleading. Actually the problem is much wider: the root causes of domestic violence lie in the gender inequality and discrimination that women face, creating a society that leaves domestic violence unchallenged. And so long as popular culture sees male persistence in romance after rejection and male control of a relationship as ‘romantic’, people will believe that it’s natural for a man to be obsessively jealous, or in control of relationships. While these attitudes are in place, some men will feel they have a right to control their partners. For some, the worst forms of violence will only be triggered by things like alcohol or drugs, or pregnancy (in 30% of cases) but in these cases the problem isn’t the substances or pregnancy it's the controlling attitudes that underpin the relationship.
What is the most common form of violence that women endure at home?
It’s very hard to say what kind of violence is most common. Many women won’t recognise or report psychological, emotional, financial, or verbal abuse. Not all instances of physical abuse are recorded, and the same goes for sexual abuse. The police collect data on the reports they receive but that can only ever reflect instances of violence, and often instances of domestic violence won’t break a law. For example, we regularly hear of men coming very close to a partner, invading their personal space, to verbally abuse them, but so long as they don’t make specific threats, they may not be breaking any laws. It’s the pattern and repeated behaviour, with an underlying threat behind it, which forms domestic violence. Most women also experience more than one form of domestic violence, and physical and sexual violence in particular are unlikely to occur without some emotional, verbal, or psychological violence.
What is the worst thing you can do for someone who is suffering from violence from their partner?
If someone tells you they are experiencing domestic violence, the worst thing you could do would be to disbelieve them. It takes extraordinary courage to reach out and tell someone you’re being abused and the number of women who falsely report domestic violence is incredibly low. You should also never judge someone who discloses they are being abused. Telling a woman she should ‘just leave’, that she must be ‘doing something to provoke it’ or that she’s pathetic for being abused will all reinforce the feelings of low-self-worth and guilt the perpetrator is trying to make her feel. No one is to blame for being abused, only the perpetrator is at fault for abusive behaviour. There is nothing someone can do in a relationship which could reasonably ‘provoke’ domestic violence.
What are the repercussions for someone who is caught having been abusive to their partner?
The repercussions depend exactly on what happens. Unfortunately, in many areas police officers and courts don’t have a specialist understanding of domestic violence, and so don’t recognise that it’s a pattern of behaviour. In these cases, especially where the violence has not been physical, frequently there won’t be any legal repercussions for a perpetrator. Even where there is clear evidence of physical abuse, many women may not press charges against a partner or ex-partner because he promises to change, because he is the father of her children, or because she is afraid of what he will do. In the cases where the police and court response is good and a woman feels able to press charges, a perpetrator may still escape significant punishment because most men are prosecuted for a single act and it’s difficult to prove a pattern of behaviour.
Unfortunately, because of the myths and stereotypes that exist around domestic violence, and the fact that many perpetrators or very manipulative and can appear charming, there are also very often no social repercussions for men who abuse their partners. One way Women’s Aid is trying to challenge domestic violence is by changing this: by making all kinds of domestic violence socially unacceptable, so that a man caught being abusive would lose status in society and be challenged on his behaviour, in the same way we would challenge someone who tries to drive drunk, for example.
Why are places such as Women’s Aid so important for sufferers?
Women who experience domestic violence often require gender specific specialist support to get free from the perpetrator and rebuild their lives. Very often they will have had their self-esteem and confidence completely crushed; they may suffer from trauma-related mental or physical health problems; often they will have children who need support. Many women require support with housing, employment, accessing the legal system, and healthcare, and very often the experiences of domestic violence will lead to specific needs in these areas. For example, a woman whose ex-partner is still trying to locate her to harm her may require safety features on her housing, or extra support from local law enforcement. Gender specific specialist domestic violence services, like those provided by Women’s Aid members, can provide this kind of support to help a woman be free from the perpetrator, and build a confident, independent life.
tagged in Domestic Abuse