After many a conversation with my girlfriends or female family members where the men are getting bad press it got me thinking- is it right to talk down our partners to other people? Is it a natural process to seek the things that our men don’t do rather than what they do get right or is it the ultimate betrayal in a relationship?
Relationships on Female First
When women get together there is the temptation for a man bashing- whether it’s how little he helps at home- how much time he spends with his friends to his lack of romance if you have been together a while.
For some women its girl time currency. But the question we should ask is- is it acceptable? Surely if you have a problem with your man you should tell him- because the problem is not going to get solved by moaning to your mates about it right? One could argue that if you have told him a hundred times to pick up his socks and he still doesn’t, that yelling at him is not going to make any difference whatsoever. So it’s not like you’re going behind his back and telling him something he doesn’t already know. It might not be worth leaving him over but it certainly something that can wear down a person over time.
People always find fault with others, even if they are in a strong relationship- it’s never going to be perfect and women are a sex who often like to verbalise about the irritants in their pairing. So is it normal and acceptable to talk negatively about your partner to other people? Or should it be saved for the couple and the couple alone?
It can be a healthy expression in a relationship if you can see the other person for their flaws as well as their good points and love them in spite of them. Having a public rose tinted view can often gloss over issues that need addressing. Your friends and those around you might have more respect for you if you can pick fault rather than gushing about them all the time, when we all know that life is just not that ideal. Extreme Facebook posts are sometimes sickening but there is a little part of us that thinks- wow they are lucky to have found someone so thoughtful.
There is always that slight feeling of betrayal when you talk about your partner in a bad light- for perhaps it is something that should be kept behind closed doors. Many women, however need that release- to have a moan and a groan to get it off their chest and once they have talked it out- perhaps it’s not that bad after all. Women also find solace in knowing that other people are going through the same things as them- so a mutual sharing of bad man habits can make them feel better. Perhaps one has some advice to impart onto the other- or the simple understanding of their predicament that makes it all the more satisfying.
I have no doubt that men do the same when women are not around- and if they deny it, it’s likely that they are lying. People disagree with their friends and their family all the time, so why not their partners? In fact there is an increased likelihood that the badmouthing is worse where partners are concerned because often you have to negotiate the living situation and the balance between them and all other areas of your life.
What I would say is that whatever you are discussing with your girlfriends make sure you have talked with your man first- it’s only fair and it gives him a chance to redeem himself and I would expect that you would want the same from them too.
As for the guilt- being two faced is never attractive so as long as you live by the rule above- it’s just reiterating what he knows bothers you about your relationship. It is good to try and see the good in people but unrealistic and naïve not to see where they lack too.
www.families.com argue that talking behind a partner’s back is the easiest way to damage the trust in your relationship and useing other people to get back at their partner rather than going straight to the source.
One easy way to fix this is to apologise if you are guilty of it and in future go to the heart of the problem, if it lies with them.
Speaking positively about your partner can have a ripple effect, just as much as speaking badly of them. Friends and family naturally pass information back to the person who was the subject of the gossip. Good news is paid forward and makes your partner feel loved and appreciated, rather than feeling like a failure.
So next time you are having mental rant about your partner (if you must)- it might be worth checking first if you have told him what you’re angry about before verbalising it to anyone else. And if he doesn’t make an effort to change or help the situation then cross that bridge when you come to it.
What should I do if I heard my partner talking about me behind my back?
tagged in Family Partner Relationship