I have the most amazing Godson. He's 11 years old, wiser than his years, and has mastered the art of flirting already. Mind you, I think 'Cool Aunt Karen' has helped a little bit there. I've been teaching him that girls like confident, nice boys rather than rude, arrogant ones. He did make me laugh this week when I asked him about his new girlfriend. Instead of blushing, giggling and hiding his face he pushed his shoulders back, stood up straight and said 'I just don't have time for a relationship, but she's all up in my face!' We talked a little more about it and it seems she wants to hang out with him at break time when he's wanting to play footie. 'That's too 'coupley',' he said. 'I just wanna see her after school sometimes. Why does she have to push it? It's not like we're getting married!' I told him to talk to her and explain he needs his footie time. His response? 'Nahhhh, I've told her loads of times, she's not listening. I'm just gonna ignore her now!' Even at such an early age I guess nature outweighs nurture and the stereotypes are already surfacing – despite my good advice. I have a feeling his mum is going to have her hands full with him, and the line of heartbroken girls camping outside his house!
Sex on Female First
I noticed a something similar this week in my own dating exploits. As you all know, I use illicitencounters.com to find my married guys. I assumed every member on there knew the score. Married people looking for affairs, and single people looking for no commitment relationships and friendships. Simple really. I started chatting to a doctor from Leeds. He ticked all the usual boxes I have in my head, and gained a big gold star because he could spell – yes that has become a bonus rather than a given these days!
We exchanged a few messages, found we had common interests, we seemed to find each other attractive, so we progressed to email. Before long we were texting, and things were going well. We were contemplating our first meeting, arranging times, places, and trying to think of something interesting to do. In the process of the entire conversation, from the moment he mailed me, I'd made it clear I knew what the score was on the site. He was happily married – as they usually are – and was looking for a mistress. At no point did I mention anything other than the role of mistress. But he made it clear that he was not looking for an escape route.
These are the guys that suit me and I hope to find on the site. I don't want someone who is looking to stumble upon the easy option, to 'get caught' and land on my doorstep, simply because he was too spineless to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. Men in unstable marriages make the worst choice when you're a mistress. They are not in it for fun, they are hunting for the next branch to cling on to, and hopefully find their next home in the process. I've been doing this long enough to be wary of the men who cheat to run away, or as revenge when they have discovered her affair. As bizarre as it may sound, I want the ones who are happy at home and seek a plain and simple extra marital affair.
We were looking for the same thing – or so I thought – and that was exciting. We arranged to meet, and planned our first date. During the discussion we passed around a few different options. All of them sounded like great fun, and far from the usual 'coffee and hour long chat'. Weather permitting we were looking at a day at the beach, a day in the Lakes or an afternoon castle hunting followed by dinner at one of my favourite restaurants. Obviously we couldn't do them all so we picked one, and in a very flippant way, without even thinking as it dropped out of my mouth, I said 'We can do the others on dates two and three, hahaha!'
The tone of his texts changed completely. He started on a rant about looking for a mistress not a girlfriend. He was twittering on about finding a woman who understood him, who wouldn't put pressure on him, or make demands on his time. I sat open-mouthed while his texts came pouring through. When they seemed to calm down I sent a very simple text back. 'When did I say I was looking for a boyfriend, or marriage and babies?' 'You didn't,' he replied. 'I'm just telling you so it sinks in, I don't want a girlfriend, or anything serious, I want a mistress...' (and the barrage of explanation began again, almost copying word for word the texts he'd already sent).
'Did you initially mail me because you thought I was intelligent and interesting, or because you thought I was a bimbo, maybe a bit thick?' I asked. 'I mailed you because your profile said everything I wanted, and you're exactly what I need. I came on the site to find a mistress, not a girlfriend... (and off we went again, with a similar, if not exact, explanation of what the difference was). By this point I was bored. This delightful man, intelligent, funny, attractive and sexy had bored me rigid. Once he calmed down and his texts returned to planning our date I deleted his number, with a simple message saying 'I've been doing this far longer than you and know exactly what I'm doing. I'm too intelligent to have a man talk to me like I'm an idiot. Not every woman you come across is desperate to settle down with you – trust me! Take care.' For two days he tried again and again to raise a response, but by that point I had lost interest. I don't need to be told anything twice, especially when I'm the single one on a married dating site!
The problem is, this isn't the first time it has happened. Over the years, if I had a pound for the number of times I've heard the line 'I'm looking for a mistress not a girlfriend' I'd be writing this from a beach in Dubai, not a cold cottage in Yorkshire! I appreciate we all have to get the ground rules sorted before we start any type of relationship, but lately I've noticed men reiterating it, almost in fear that the woman hasn't heard him.
I called a few of my male cheating friends after his outburst and asked them the question 'Why do men think they need to reiterate a point when it comes to women and relationships?' I was fascinated to hear that men think we have selective hearing when it comes to what they want. They have it parked in their brains that after the age of 25 we are all looking to settle down, to find a husband and start breeding. Apparently it doesn't matter what site we go on, or what we say we are looking for, we're all searching for the 'one' and we won't stop until we find him.
I laughed heartily at this analysis. We have caught up with men in all aspects of life, strength, independence, careers etc, but when it comes to sexuality and relationships, they genuinely believe we are living in the 50s, waiting for a man to come along to support us, care for us and breed with us! I asked if they had met women who were dating like men – as I do – and they all said yes, until she moved the goalposts and scared him off.
What is wrong with these people? Women, don't change your mind half way through. If you're going to be a mistress, be a mistress. Don't decide you want to run away with him and set up home because that's not what either of you started it for. And men, stop assuming every woman over 25 is DESPERATE to be with a man. Some of us actually enjoy being single, and you guys aren't all that! We might want to date casually, we might want our quiet nights in alone, and we might just want to use you for mad, passionate sex, but chances are we don't want you around permanently and certainly don't want your babies.
It’s simple really, nature tells us to settle down and live in a cave looking after babies while 'big hairy man' goes in search of food with a club in his hand. It doesn't matter how far we progress, and how 'metrosexual' men might become, the base desires, and the stereotypical opinions will never change. Women are clingy, needy and demanding, men are aloof, distant and in control. I really wanted to shake Dr Leeds to make him see that not all women live like that but I have a feeling he's a lost cause. However, I can teach my Godson that the right girl will watch him play footie at break time and let him be who he wants to be, but because she's the right one, he'll want to spend all of his time with her! Who knows, he might turn out to be an open minded man, with a 21st century opinion of women. At which point the women of the world will crown him and put him on a pedestal!
Karen uses dating site illicitencounters.com