Have you text your ex?
Following ‘text your ex day’ we spoke to Marina Pearson, Dr Lisa Turner and Sandra Peachey about the pros and cons of getting back in touch with an old flame.
Marina says:
Why is it important to mark texting your ex with a day?
Because it gives you one day where you would focus on doing just that, versus being tempted to text other days - which can become a habit and detrimental to your wellbeing and attachment.
Why is it important to only text your ex if you are on good terms and have no attachment?
Texting an ex is fine if you have the right intention behind it for you. What you don't want is to keep texting out of neediness or because you have an expectation you will get back together. This will only lengthen the grieving process, as detaching yourself becomes difficult the more you think your ex can give you something or you have expectations around what they will give you in return - if anything. Once you are in good footing and have no attachment you know that you have moved on, you are able to live your life again.
How long can the broken up phase last?
This will depend on whether you decide it’s time to let go or not, for some it has lasted years and for others it can last for 6 weeks...this depends what you do with your time and if you make a conscious choice to move forward.
Why is it important to give yourself space?
So that you can attend to yourself and focus on you to heal, shift and get yourself back out there. If you are constantly being reminded, or putting yourself in the past again, it’s like a wound that never heals. To heal - you need to focus on you and get the support you need.
Why should you have no expectations if you text them?
Expectations tend to lead to disappointment. If you don't want to be disappointed, then don't have an expectation of him getting back to you - as he may not. If he does, then if you don’t have an expectation you won’t be attached to what he has to say and therefore, you are free of feeling a certain way, based on his behaviour.
What things can you do to make sure you are really clear and honest with yourself about why you are feel the need to do it?
Take a moment to reconnect with yourself and ask yourself the question, trust that the answer you get is the right one for you.
Marina Pearson is a heartbreak coach that works with women to get them over their ex relationships so they move on.
Dr Lisa Says:
Why do you say a definite no to texting your ex?
If they are your ex, there’s probably a reason that you didn’t stay together. Texting them can give the impression that you want to start the relationship again. Unless that’s definitely what you want to do, then don’t text them.
Why is getting back in touch often about unfinished business or not feeling complete?
Relationships start and end all the time. They might be friendships, or more intimate relationships. And when they end they are over. When they end in a positive way it’s because there’s nothing more to explore or learn from each other. When there is no unfinished business and the relationship is complete, there’s no need or desire for either person to get back in touch. However if they end with things left unsaid or unresolved, that can loiter around in your mind as unfinished business. Desire to reconnect with is a sign of this.
When you’re really finished with someone and the relationship is fully over. It’s over. It’s complete. It’s done. The trick to keeping things emotionally healthy is to resolve it within yourself rather than look to the other person. Just because you want to speak your truth, doesn’t mean they will listen or even that they should.
What emotional release techniques do you suggest using to help you heal after a break up?
The Psycademy Emotional release technique is a simple yet powerful technique that enables the client to release all their painful emotions from the past in a single session. Emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, hurt and guilt can all be released leaving you feeling lighter, more emotionally resilient and free from the shackles of the past.
It works by breaking down the neurological pathways or thought tracks that occur in the brain. If you have a memory from the past, which as you think about it in the NOW triggers a painful emotion then your past is shackling you emotionally. The Psycademy emotional release process breaks down the part of the thought that causes the emotion and then creates new neurological pathways. This allows you to access new and empowering thought processes which have no negative emotions associated with them. Improvement in memory has also been observed as the emotions often disrupt the memories making them harder to access. The client feels happier, freer and is no longer “triggered” by events in the present.
If you text your ex, how is that like being back with them?
A relationship isn’t an object or a thing, it’s a process where two people relate and communicate with each other. If they’re your ex, then there’s no longer a relationship, and you’re not relating to each other. As soon as you begin communicating, even if it’s by text, then you’re back relating with each other once again, and thus you’re back in some kind of relationship with them. It might not be as intimate as it was before, and it’s still a relationship.
Why can wanting to say something to your ex often make you open a can of worms?
There are two main reasons that people want to reconnect with their ex: they want to rekindle the relationship or they still harbour painful emotions caused by how they feel they were treated during the relationship or during the breakup.
If you want to speak to them because you want to rekindle the relationship, and you only have positive feelings about them then this is something that’s worth considering and discussing with them. However you need to be prepared for the possibility that your feelings are not returned. Go ahead, but do so with your eyes open and be willing to accept that it just might not happen. If this causes you anxiety or any feeling of discomfort then using an emotional release technique is probably something worth considering first. It will make you much more emotionally resilient.
If your reason for wanting to speak to them is the latter, then you are far better using a proven emotional release technique. This has the added bonus of allowing you the ultimate in revenge, which is total indifference! Anger or other emotions are a sign that they still have power over you. It’s much more empowering to release the emotions so that you are fully free from any of their influence past or present.
For free instant access to Lisa Turner’s Emotional Resilience programme, go here: www.recoverfromabuce.com
Sandra says:
Why do you say that you should let sleeping ex’s lie?
Your ex is just that - your ex - a relationship that is in the past. If you have unresolved issues around that relationship still - then seek support - talk to a friend, find a coach or councillor and do what you can to work through it. The thing is, these are YOUR thoughts and emotions and YOU need to resolve them, regardless of feelings around who was at fault, why me, etc. If things ARE resolved, then good, just let sleeping exes lie. Either way, decide that you are grateful for, your time with this person, for the life lessons (the experience of) being with them gave you and that you are now happy to love, let go and be happy.
Why is it important to remember what was good about your time together?
It is important to see the good in every situation and to be grateful for it, because then we are nurturing ourselves with positive thoughts instead of harming ourselves with negative ones. We all want to be happy and can forget that a lot of the time that this is a decision that is down to us. And what is the alternative? We are in the biggest danger of hurting ourselves if we label ourselves as victims - giving our power and happiness away to past hurts or neglects. I know people who have been through terrible trauma with ex partners and still they move on and realise that all these experiences have made them stronger and wiser and led them on to new and different opportunities in life.
In the heat of the moment how can you recognise what lessons you have learned?
If you are in the heat of the moment, then may be it is time to cool down and take some time out from a person, argument or situation. Sometimes we just have to ride the storm, then breath and reboot. If I am caught up in anger, sorrow or self pity, I love to recite what I am grateful to that person or situation for - what they have given me, what they have done for me, etc and I will keep repeating the phrases and asking my self the good questions until the storm passes, which it always does and I will start to feel good about it instead.
If the break up is bad how can you see it with grace and love?
A break up by its' very nature is often sad and painful, even when it is amicable. If it feels bad now and you don't feel like seeing the good in the situation, then this is a natural phase that you have to go through - you need to grieve and be angry and go through the steps of working through it all. But these are temporary phases - decide that you are going to heal and to move on, even if that means that you will feel these good things in the future. A future shaped by grace and with love has to be so much better than one moulded by despair or anger. What would you rather take in to your next relationship and what would you rather receive back?
Why can the nerves around contacting your ex be even scarier than the desire to resolve the issue?
If you fear contacting an ex, it could be that getting in touch with that person will stir up emotions you would rather not go through again and so your psyche warns you not to go there. We often create stories in our heads of what could go wrong, that it could all back fire and that we'd get a negative reaction. There is of course a possibility too that we could get a really good reaction and a positive outcome, but we don't tend to tell to tell ourselves THOSE stories! Rather than creating a fearful and difficult situation for yourself, how about celebrating what was instead, raise a glass to it and then decide to move on. Move on to new plans like contacting an old friend or giving yourself a treat that means that you can enjoy life right here and right now - then you will replace fear with excitement. Given the choice, which one would you prefer?
Sandra Peachey is a coach and author of Peachey Letters - 'Love Letters to Life' and the 'F-Factor', both about how to live your best life as a woman. Find out more about her writing and her work, on www.peacheyletters.co.uk.
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