Caroline Brearley
The seven secrets to finding love are: Ditch the list, make dating a priority, work your way to love, take a risk, fake it until you make it, dress to impress and take responsibility for your happiness. We talk to world’s best matchmaker, Caroline Brearley about these tips and how they can work for you if you are looking to find love this year!
Why do people have a mental list of what they want from a date?
Online dating has added fuel to the fire and we now have longer ‘tick lists’ than ever as we become used to searching for a partner based on arbitrary things such as eye colour and what their favourite food is! In the grand scheme of things these have little impact on a relationship yet they’re the things we use to judge whether we think someone will be good for us, or not, before we’ve even met them. In reality, few people end up with someone who ticks all their boxes, as we grow what we’re looking for in a partner and relationship changes and most of the time we don’t actually know what is important to us until we’re in a relationship. When we meet a guy who makes our heart flutter the fact he’s 5’9 with brown hair suddenly doesn’t matter and it’s not just me saying it, there’s research to back it up! When we meet someone we really hit it off with, our ‘tick list’ changes pretty rapidly.
Why do people often not make dating a priority?
Many of us take the fact we will find love as a given. We see it in the movies all the time and it’s the romantic notion that we lock eyes with someone in a crowded bar and fall hopelessly in love. Whilst that does happen for a lucky few most of us need to put more effort into in then simply rocking up to a bar one night and batting our eyelids (although that does help!). You can’t force love to happen but you can give it a helping hand by putting yourself in situations where you’re more likely to meet likeminded people in the same position in life as you, be it speed dating, matchmaking, online dating. There are always new crazes coming out all the time and there is something for everyone.
The main excuse people use for not making dating a priority is saying they’re too busy. Whilst that’s probably true and you are very busy, like most things in life, if you want something you need to put the effort in and make time. Cut back on overtime, manage your hours better and take a look at your life – what is really important to you? Ultimately, if you don’t have time to date, you won’t have time to have a fulfilling relationship so you have to take responsibility and if you want love, make time for it.
Why do some people make it difficult for the person they date?
Some people are drawn to drama, we all know a couple who regularly fights then gets back together and it’s all love and roses until the next time, they love the thrill and it’s exciting when they’re on the high of getting back together. Some people are drawn to relationships like that, instead of sorting through any issues they fall out about the craziest of things. A relationship like this isn’t sustainable, it’s too exhausting!
Others like to ‘test’ their partner e.g. how will they react if I stay out all night and not call them, or if I put up pictures of me and loads of men on a night out what will they say? Usually this is in the beginning of a relationship when you’re sussing things out but it’s not worth doing. You’ll find those things out naturally without forcing the situation.
High maintenance – a word every woman hates and any guy who mutters the word to a woman is on very thin ice! However, I have to admit that at times, we ladies can make things difficult for the guy we’re dating. We expect romance, stability, for him to be fit but not spend his time at the gym, for him to be social but not spend too much time with his friends, to be ambitious but not too ambitious oh and of course for him to be a mind reader! Cut them some slack, it’s all about spending quality time together.
Why do people often feel the need to embellish or dial back who they are when dating?
We want to impress. We want to show off the best of us so we either go way over board and our internship in marketing suddenly becomes that we were a marketing executive and running the ship or we feel we should hold back on letting them know who we really are, either for fear of sounding a show off or we can sometimes be afraid that the trough isn’t exciting enough. How many online dating profiles have you read where the guy says he has run a marathon, loves to ski and is climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro? Loads! That’s because it makes them exciting, daring, sporty, all the things they think women are looking for in a guy. They play don their 9-5 job because it’s not deemed exciting enough. My advice? Just be yourself but don’t give everything away too soon, hold onto a little bit of mystery.