When I see people about relationships, on a 1:1 basis or speak to them over the phones, whilst talking to them, I can see that they are reaching out for help, they are reaching out for someone to just love them, to understand them and to help them in all areas of their lives.
Are you a poor me kind of person
Sometimes it is not easy to detect how this effects relationships, but what is most concerning is this person calling is not realising the effect they are having on others and their own personal relationships to the extreme.
Here is an example.
(changing names for privacy reasons!)
So I receive a call from a lady, we shall call Brenda. Brenda is in her fifties, been married once before, divorced now over ten years and has three children from her first marriage. Brenda tells me that she is currently struggling with her life, she feels like everyone is against her and feels like every time she goes for jobs, they either tell her she does not have the right experience, does not give her feedback or just there is no call back. She has also just recently lost her house, Brenda mentioned that has happened twice was given some money from her parents since they passed a few years, but unfortunately has lost it all and is now in tremendous debt.
Brenda cant quite believe she has got herself into this problem and still hopes for the day she can find a man who adores her and looks after her. During this process within those ten years, her family i.e her children, she feels are not really interested in her aymore, or like her or are against her. Brenda tells me that everyone she meets, there is an issue. She attends weddings with her family, someone argues with her, she goes to dinner, someone has a fall out with her. Brenda has been shopping only for her family to want to leave early.
When looking at this more closely and listening in greater detail, I soon realise that we are looking at that self fulfilling prophecy, we are also procrastinating too, with the two together all we do is just keep on repeating the same scenario where we quite like to gain attention from others. However this soon becomes an addiction, a craving.
Where some people crave sweets, drink, drugs and the likes others, in this case Brenda needs constant reassurance from others, as her emotions are hurting. Anything we crave is based on an emotion that is missing. What Brenda does not realise, is that she is pushing people away with her thoughts, her fears and her dependency.
If you look at this more closely, Brenda thinks in her mind that everyone hates her, when asking her family, more so her children, they mention that they feel Brenda is draining them, they are getting angry at her for her constant attention, feeling she is like a child not acting an adult in her relationships.
Her two daughters just want to go out shopping and have lunch with Brenda without any drama, whereas when this happens Brenda ends up getting angry, causing an argument and asking them to leave or accuses them of something, which then upsets the girls and leaves them not wanting to talk to Brenda with fear of the same happening again and again. (which trust me does happen again and again).
Brenda does not realise she is acting like this, or creating drama for the sake of attention. In her mind she feels she is right, she feels everyone hates her at the same time thinking why me, or poor me?
If Brenda turned this around, she would realise that she needs to act in a manner, where she is thinking of others and not just herself. Where Brenda mentions everyone is selfish, is Brenda selfish, is the question here? only thinking of herself and her own feelings?
She will blame something for losing her house, her jobs and her marriage too, in that situation it is her ex husband's new wife. When talking to his new partner, who seems perfectly happy in her life, mentions that Brenda causes the issues by blaming. But this lady's question, is who is to blame, we are happy she tells me, our family are happy and we have no issues.
Brenda may have to come to terms with the fact that she has to build those new bridges herself, to let go of blame, hurt and anger and start her life herself, not thinking of the past. When you keep on looking at the past, the same drama and the same issues occur.
This may need further therapy on a deeper level, but the worry here is, when considering a new relationship, Brenda struggles to understand what the other person is going through, it will always revert back to her. So we have seen six men leave her in those ten years, for Brenda to see that she would need to possibly address what she is angry about from years ago, perhaps in her past or in childhood. Did someone not give her what she wanted? does she feel like she hasnt had the life she deserved? But it isn't too late to start the life you want NOW.
With so many questions when you reach a certain stage in your life, ie adulthood those dramas are best to be left in the past, we should really be focusing on less emotion and more happiness around our lives by learning that those ways of thinking are only giving us the same situations and drama and its time to let go. We, of course would get different attention when we were younger, our parents would be there for us, but as we reach adulthood, this is time to take responsibility for our own lives and to start acting in a way that moves us forward. For some, it isn't always easy.
For ten years Brenda has suffered, but if we look more closely it is more Brenda that has suffered herself, everyone else is happy. So, my questions is, when you bring in drama and emotion and want others to give you reassurance by telling you, you are amazing and everything is ok. Really in the end they may just end up pulling away from you only for you and hate to use the word annoying or draining but it is exactly that, that makes others move away!
So who ends up worse off? you or those other people?
Joanna Scott
Ask The Psychic
TV Sky Channel 886
Tel: 0792 000 4357
Author of "The love Key"
tagged in Marriage relationships Family Partner