There are tons of options of sexy things to do this Valentine’s that don’t involve sitting in a cramped restaurant, writes bestselling romance author Liv Arnold

Romance Author Liv Arnold

Romance Author Liv Arnold

Some people roll their eyes at Valentine’s Day. They say it’s commercial. They claim love should be celebrated every day. And sure, in an ideal world, we’d all be serenaded daily by a shirtless Chris Hemsworth while being hand-fed a sausage roll. But people get busy. Deadlines. Emails. That one coworker who always schedules a ‘quick chat’ at 4:55 pm.

So yes, I love Valentine’s Day. I love watching guys panic-buy servo flowers. I love couples arguing about where to eat. I especially love watching women strut around with a fresh bouquet like they’re starring in a perfume ad.

But this year, let’s make Valentine’s Day so hot, so wild, and so unhinged that your neighbours start wondering whether you’re filming an R-rated scene of A Dingo Ate my Baby.

1. Watch Game of Thrones

Invite your date to binge Game of Thrones and winter won’t be the only thing that’s coming. He can be the King of the North. You? The Conqueror of His South. And refer to your bedroom as “The Red Keep.”

2. The Chomper

A sizzling new sex position. Okay, I made it up. But hear me out—when going down on your partner, whisper “It’s time for The Chomper!” Will it excite them? Confuse them? Strike terror into their heart? Only one way to find out.

The Chomper is a move for the shaft. For the balls? I present to you: Nibbly Nobbly Nuts.

Also, someone remind me to create a deck of cards filled with all the ridiculous sex positions I’ve invented. This is a goldmine.

3. SEVEN

Start with a little one…a two…a one, two, three. A three. A five. A four. A three, two. A two. A two. Four, six, two. Four, six, four, two. Two. Four, seven. Five. Seven. Six. Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, SEVEN!!!

If your partner doesn’t get this Friends reference, re-evaluate your relationship.

4. BDSM

Whack them with an organic carrot. Okay, maybe not organic. But if you’re keen to try kink, swap the safe word for something classically Aussie, like “Maccas drive-thru” or “Bunnings.”

5. Read an Erotic Romance Book

Preferably one of mine. My books are so steamy, your Kindle might fog up. They’re so spicy, even if you’re reading alone, your neighbours might start reaching for a cigarette.

Take my novel Etched in Stone, for example. Billionaire CEO Sebastian Stone is so hot, he must be Australian. Or maybe you’ll be dying to find out whether his handsome face goes down under.

6. A Walk in the Park

Call out inappropriate comments to passing strangers like, “I doubt the authorities would find the body” or “My uterus itches”.

Closing Cheers: Go Big or Go Home (Preferably with Someone Hot)

Valentine’s Day is not about boring three-course dinners and overpriced roses. It’s about chaos, passion, and possibly causing minor psychological distress to strangers.

And if you don’t try The Chomper at least once? Frankly, I’m disappointed in you.

Liv Arnold is a critically acclaimed author and internationally renowned sex advice expert who has featured on the covers of Playboy, FHM, and Grazia, among many others. Her books have garnered widespread acclaim from the media and from a string of New York Times bestselling authors.

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