Kate asks :

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 and half weeks ago, saying that he was making me unhappy (he had become very distant for the last couple of months). He said that he doesnt know what is wrong with him and he just cant cope with everything at the moment and doesnt care about anything. We lived together and for the first couple of days post split whilst I was still in the house he was so attentive and apologetic and said that maybe we just needed a break and that I was perfect for him and the best thing that had ever happened to him but he didnt know what was wrong with him. Then the day I left he asked me not to ignore him even though he had hurt me so much. I was due to pick up my things the following sunday with his help but at my brothers wedding he said that he was going away instead to 'clear his head' this caused me to react badly and bombard him with angry and sad messages. I admit I continued to do this for a few more days as i was so hurt. I finally asked him why he said that maybe we just needed a break and his response was that he hadnt been sure and when i suggested he is now, he responded, "i am yes." Since then he has been so incredibly cold and any messages from me have either been ignored or one word responses. I realised I had to cut all contact as I was making a fool of myself and it was clear he didnt want to speak to me. I picked up the last of my things on Sunday and he was there. We were perfectly polite to eachother and at the end I hugged him and he said that I will be fine and to take care. I love him so much and really believed that he just wanted a break but the coldness is so hard to take. I know I need to break off all contact but I dont know how to either get him back or get over him. Any help would be gratefully received.

Yin replies

When you are going through a hard time, often you don’t think about how it is affecting the other person. You can be so wrapped up in your own dramas that you don’t think of how your behaviour is affecting them. The fact that he has broken it off with you because of how he was making you feel sounds to me like he is finding an excuse to leave without hurting your feelings. If his behaviours had remained consistent after then I would have believed him, however now that he is being cold, it sounds like he wants to move on.

Yang replies

Perhaps at first he thought he had made a mistake and panicked which is why he asked for you back. Breaks are not a good idea for a relationship; sometime apart to have a drive or go for a walk, yes, but to break up with the intention of getting back together is as good as breaking up- period. If you are a good couple you can support each other through the hard times and not feel bad about how you are making the other person feel. Relationships are about give and take and sometimes you have to be the shoulder to lean on sometimes you are the one doing the leaning.

Try moving on and finding someone else. You can’t wait around until he decides what he wants to do, you may end up getting hurt again and again and you don’t need to set yourself up for that. You have moved out and already had some closure so don’t open up old wounds. 


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