Katy ringwood asks :
Hi there, my boyfriend and I were together for nearly 2 years then broke up for 3 months and got back together and now I live with him. Things were going great until an old habit crept back in, and now I'm stuck in limbo and don't know what to do. There's a six year age gap between us and when we met he was my first real sexual partner (I'd had a failed attempt previously) although according to him, he'd had quiet a few sexual partners. When out relationship started, he was a real gentleman and waited until I was completely ready before we did anything. For a while sex was regular an great, then after about 9 months it went cold. He worked long hours and I only saw him once a week and sex became a rarity, going weeks without it. All sorts of thoughts went through my mind although I have and always do believe he'd 100% never cheat on me. After we had broken up and started seeing each other again, sex was happening nearly once a week and it was fantastic. Then we got back together and I moved in and once again it's gone cold, in the last 9 weeks we've had sex once. I've explained how low and horrible it makes me feel and he always says it's nothing I've done, he still finds me attractive and loves me, he just says that while his body is ready (he has no problems getting an erection) in his head he doesn't want sex. It's got to the point where, after trying so many times and being rejected I no longer try and not only does he not have sex with me, he won't share my bed alot anymore (we have seperate bedrooms due to space) I'm at my wits end. I love him and don't want to loose him again, but I can't keep feeling so low. He says that the reason he doesn't want sex is because he feels ill all the time but he refuses to go to the doctors or do anything to help himself. Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore, it's not healthy for a 25 year old man to be like this, he does work long hours but even when he's been off for 2 weeks nothing happens!
Yin replies
Hi Katy, thanks for writing in.
It is natural for the sex to dwindle the longer you are together and the more effort needs to be made to keep your sex life fresh. If you are sleeping in separate beds and not really having sex you are more just friends with the occasional benefit when he is in the mood. Put this to him and if he really wants to distinguish between you being together or being friends he needs to do something about it. If he won’t go to the doctors and find out what is wrong with him then he is not showing you a lot of respect, especially if you have told him how it makes you feel.
Some advice from a sex therapist once said try sleeping naked. This will remind you how sensual skin on skin contact is, kiss passionately, and touch each other. Bodies need reminding how to get in the mood for sex, by doing this it will remind him of what he is missing. Often the sheer thought of the energy involved in having sex puts you off, but once you are in the moment it is hard to resist!
Yang replies
Low libido in men can be caused by lots of factors such as alcohol, drugs, obesity, anemia, prescribed drugs, diabetes, stress and depression. Although some are extreme, it may be worth giving him that extra nudge to go to the doctors, so he can get checked out, there may be more at play here than you think. Does he have friend you could talk to or is he close to his parents, would he listen to them more if they suggested that he go and see someone?
tagged in Alcohol Stress Diabetes Obesity depression Relationship yin and yang
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