Nicole asks :
My boyfriend is 30 and I'm 23. I have always wanted to settle down from an early age and my boyfriend had recently said he would like to start trying for a baby which I am over the moon with. However I would like to be married first, a few months ago I mentioned to him about getting married and his excuse was he doesn't have the money for a ring, I told him I didn't care how much it cost and could be a £5 plastic ring it still wouldn't bother me. Anyway time went by and te baby situation has now arisen. I've spoken to him about how I would like to be married first and his response was "I wish you would stop talking about marriage we have only been together a year".. Now I'm so confused as I have said to him a baby is a bigger commitment and more expensive than marriage but he doesn't seem to see it like that. I'm just basically a bit confused as to where I stand. He wants a baby but not to get married. I made it clear to him from the beginning how important marriage is to me and that if it wasn't something he would ever be interested in then maybe we shouldn't be together. Now I love him so much and dont know what to do! Any help would be great as every time I try to talk about it he shrugs it off.
Yin replies
You are right a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage; a wedding is one day of your life, with the opportunity to separate if it goes wrong, being parent lasts forever. If you are not asking for a lavish wedding then there is no reason why he couldn’t ask you if he wanted to. If he is ready to have a baby and make that commitment then in theory he should be able to see you together forever. His reluctance not to ask you to marry him because you have only been together a year, may suggest that he doesn’t have faith in the relationship to last.
Yang replies
A baby takes its toll on your body and you are the one who has to invest the most time both physically and emotionally into having it. It has to be something that you both want and not just because he keeps binging up the conversation. It sounds like your priories are very different for the here and now. You need to establish if marriage is ever on the cards. Relationships are about compromise, but it seems more of a bargaining tool to get married in order to have a baby with him. Be clear about what you want and ask him to do the same. He is thirty and needs to start talking rather than shrugging things as important as this off, as this is a very childish attitude to have towards your relationship. Don’t find yourself in the position where you are single with a baby and a part time dad, find out the truth before you even begin to try for a baby.
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