We don't want to break up but we live in different countries- any advice?

21 January 2020

Anonymous asks :

Hi, so I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now.

I met him when I was in Australia for a month. He then came to the UK for 2 months a few months after we met.

I'm supposed to be going to stay with him in Australia in February but we are having difficulty because he doesn't know of he wants to come back to England when I come home.

Which means for me that there isn't a point in us being together. I told him the earlier I'd move to Australia would be in 2/3 years. But he doesn't think he's ready to move to England. Even just for a month.

We don't want to break up because we love each other and we both know that if we weren't so far apart we'd both be amazing together.

He doesn't know what to do and neither do I.

I don't know if breaking up is the right thing or hanging on until I'm over there and just see what happens? Please help

Rachael Lloyd at eharmony says:

Agony Aunts on Female First

Hi there,

I’m really pleased you met a lovely guy and got to enjoy some special and meaningful times together. It sounds like you genuinely adore each other. The fact he made the effort to come to the UK for two months and stay with you demonstrates this was far more than a holiday fling. However, the fact that something isn’t a fling doesn’t necessarily make it a relationship.

For two people to work long term together they need more than just mutual fondness and chemistry. Research based on 50,000 couples undertaken by psychologists at eharmony clearly indicates that sharing core values and personality traits are crucial for lasting love; factor into the mix shared life goals too.

So, while you and your boyfriend may have much in common, the fact that neither of you wants to move continents to be together is a pretty big impediment to a romantic future together. Your life goals differ too much. He wants to live in Australia while you want to live in the UK. As for going to visit him: ask yourself honestly – could you put aside the fact the relationship has a limited run and just go and enjoy a holiday Down Under? You could have the time of your life. But if any joy you feel is compromised by anger and disappointment that things aren’t likely to work out longer term, then it’s probably best you stay put. The last thing you want to do is find yourself on a beach sobbing with the would-be love of your life. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. The tough thing about love is that we don’t necessarily get to choose who we fall for. We can feel it’s truly meant to be with someone special, only to find there’s a major block to the relationship.

If nothing else, I’d advise you to focus on the good times you’ve had together rather than waste time with ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’.