Sarah asks :
Hi Lucy,
Me and my boyfriend have just had a baby, he looks at other women and doesn't look at me in the same way he did when we started dating. I feel pushed out and ugly all the time. I just want him to love me the way he once did. What can I do to get him to think I'm 'hot' again?
Hi Sarah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Childbirth can be a very unsettling time for couples- perhaps you have not had as much sex as you used to while carrying your baby and got out of the habit. Maybe after he has seen you giving birth he is wary about having sex with you again if he thinks that he might hurt you. He has seen your body endure a lot of pain and disruption so he might assume that it will take some time before you want it again. There can be a bit of uncertainly around sex- as to when it should begin again and if you are both ready mentally and physically.
It is difficult to separate the mum from the partner once you have had a child as your baby is likely talking up so much of your time and energy. He might see you as a mum before anything else right now if you are consumed by that role at present. How do you look at him now? Do you see him as dad first and foremost, your partner or a bit of both?
I would suggest that you set aside a date night each fortnight or month for the two of you. Perhaps ask someone close to you to look after you baby and spend the time like you did when you first met. If this is having a meal together, and then taking it to the bedroom or having a night in a hotel, watching a movie, whatever it is that you used to do that you enjoyed as couple when you weren’t parents.
This could give you the chance to have sex, cuddle, kiss and be alone and intimate with one another again. It gives you something to both look forward to each month and might allow you to feel totally uninhibited again.
Men do look at other women- it is a natural thing, so try not to take it to heart. As long as he is not acting on it then it could just be the same as you checking out a man- perhaps you are just more subtle about it than him.
Have you talked to him about all of this? Perhaps it might be helpful if you talk about getting back some of what you had as a couple before the baby came along. After all you are still his sexual partner even if you are a mother- maybe he just needs reminding of that as men and women can easliy forget how good it feels to be naked next to their partner.
Lucy has worked as a volunteer for Mind and The Samaritans and was a mentor at the University of Central Lancashire in her third year. She has just completed her Level 2 Counselling Concepts Course at Warrington Collegiate.
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