Lore asks :
Hi Lucy,
Can a man with big trust issues ever change? My boyfriend of a year who I now live with (him and his son) has had a heap of bad experiences with women in the past and now has problems trusting me to the point he regularly makes jokes about how I'm talking to other men online, how he believes I close internet tabs when he walks into a room, how if I work late I am lying and not at work at all, and even accused me of flirting with his friends! (None of the above is true, and I try really hard not to do or say anything to set him off or worry him, especially around his son.) But I’ll be honest, we've argued about it- or rather, he's got mad over nothing, read too much into something and decided to ignore any evidence or arguments I have in favour of his own imaginings. He's outright said he doesn't trust me, although I have not done anything with him to break our trust- it just was never there to begin with... So my real question is- should I stay, talk more and try to rectify this? Or should I do what he is no doubt expecting and leave? Thanks.... Lore.
Hi Lore,
Agony Aunts on Female First
I suppose it all depends how much you love your partner. If you still love him in spite of all this then perhaps stay and try to work on this. If he expects you to leave then this might instil more faith in the relationship that you are willing to fight for it and improve your situation.
If you have not done anything that should make him suspicious then there is nothing to feel guilty about. It says more about him than it does you. Has he been hurt in the past? Maybe a previous relationship has left him with trust issues that he is now transferring onto his relationship with you.
There are things you can prove and things you can’t, but if every time he suspects something wrong, you have to explain and try to find ways to show him that you are innocent then it may take its toll on your relationship.
Have you considered relationship counselling? Maybe this could be a good way for you to explore his feelings of mistrust and how you can both go about trying to build it up again.
Maybe when you first started going out he was trying to suppress this habit and did it well until you had been going out a while, and he could no longer hide it.
He also has a son whom he will be protective over and perhaps he doesn’t want him to get too attached if he feels that the mother figure in his life will not be there in future.
People can change their ways, but it takes dedication and a desire to make it happen. If you see no light at the end of the tunnel then maybe you need to put your happiness first, however if you think that he might make an effort to seek help or talk through his thought process rather than arguing about it then maybe there is hope.
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