Declan asks :
Dear Lucy,
I've been having a "relationship" with a girl for roughly the last 15 months. She is 9 years younger than me (I'm 35), and has recently came out of a long term 7 year relationship with her ex. I too came out of a long relationship (a 16 year marriage). At first I didn't think myself and my girl would work out - but in the past few months I've really started to love her like I've never loved anyone before. One night however I found an email to her ex saying that she would be concentrating on them this year (he knew nothing about me - they were apparently on a "break"). She says it was a mistake and was feeling low - but she's now been going to see him again once or twice a week. I think that our relationship is over - but she just won't end it. I've asked and asked and asked, but she says she loves me - but won't tell me anything about what’s happening with this guy. It wouldn't matter so much but she has become my best friend - I don't have many friends left, and it was such a blow to find out about all of this. I've not eaten properly in over a week, and I can't even escape this girl to try and forget about her because I work with her every day. It's all starting to affect my health now - but she won't say "it's over" and she won't say "let’s go for it". I feel like I'm cracking up. What do you advise?
Our Reply
Hi Declan,
If she won’t say the words then perhaps it’s down to you to. If you think the relationship is over then maybe she simply doesn’t want to be the one to admit it.
At the moment she seems to have the best of both worlds- two men and neither really know what is going on with the other, so perhaps she can buy time to figure out who she wants to be with.
It is not fair on you to be left in the dark about what she is doing with this other guy. Would she tolerate this kind of behaviour if it were you doing the same?
If you do end the relationship it will be awkward in work for a while, but this should get easier with time. If you keep it strictly professional while you are working together and try not to bring anything personal to the table, then perhaps you will gain a little bit of normality again.
You might not be able to dictate her behaviour and stop her seeing this man, but could you talk to her and tell her that the situation is not working for you? Express how you feel and maybe suggest that she choose and give her a time frame so the situation doesn’t keep dragging on.
Saying you love someone and showing you love them are two very different things. You can say it all the time but if you don’t show your love through things like commitment and fidelity then this might not necessarily be true.
You could enrol in some couples therapy. This is a great way to explore those feelings with an impartial professional who might be able to cast a new eye over the situation and help you both come up with a solution.
Lucy x
tagged in Friends Marriage Lucy Walton Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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