ellie asks :
hello, im a 15 year old girl. my mum and dad split up when i was five years old due to my mum cheating on my dad. A year after their split my dad took full custody of me and i didnt see my mum again until i was nine years old, i had a little bit of contact with her on and off when she fancied seeing me really. Then as i got to the age of about 13 i began to be really baddly behaved in and out of school, my attitude took a turn for the worse and i began to smoke, drink etc.. this year just before i turned 15 my dad rehomed me at my nan's house because he couldnt cope with my behaviour any longer, a few problems occured at my nans but nothing serious. Last week i lied to my nan and told her i was babysitting with my bestfriend, but really i was out on the streets drinking with a group of my friends, by chance my dad drove past and saw me he dragged me back to my nans where everything escolated and after my dad left i ran away, he found me again the next day and as a last resort he took me to my mums, who i then ran off from, i went missing for a week at my boyfriends and the police found me a couple of days ago. Im very unhappy at my mums and really want to be back with my dad or my nan, im willing to change but my dad is no longer interested and neither my mum or dad will let me go back to live with my nan, i havent stopped crying since i got too my mums im so unhappy and i dont know what to do? the only resolutions i can come up with is running back off?...
Yin replies
Clearly your mum and dad splitting up has caused you to have a lot of problems and it has taken a lot of courage to write in to talk about them, so you should be proud for taking the first step.
When parents split often children do rebellious things to get attention, like drinking, smoking and running away. It acts as a way for you to find out which one cares about you the most and which one comes to your rescue. The attention has been on their split and you want some of that back because a child is a parent’s main focus.
Yang replies
Running away is never the answer, because your problems will always be there when you get back, I know it is a lot to face at such a young age, but the sooner you are able to sort this out the better and you will thank yourself later down the line. Running away will mean that your mum and dad will keep a tighter leash on you and not let you back to your Nan’s house. You need to prove to them that you will not rebel and lie and drink and smoke. You have their attention but your actions have led you to be in the place you don’t want to be.
Perhaps ask them for a trial at your Nans? A week of no trouble, then you can stay there for another week. Take little steps, set yourself goals, the more weeks that go by where you have proven that you will not get into trouble will mean that you will be trusted more and not feel so caged. Explain that you are happier with your Nan. The incentive for you is you get to live where you feel happier, which should hopefully stop you from doing anything like you have been lately.
If you wish to talk to someone about this, there are charities you could visit online or over the phone who are specially designed for helping children through difficult times:
Barnados: http://www.barnardos.org.uk/
NSPCC: http://www.nspcc.org.uk/
Please feel free to write back if you wish to discuss this more.
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