Rachael asks :
Hi Lucy,
My name is Rachael I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm deeply saddened by what he has said to me when I started dating him. He knew that I had 3 kids but my eldest who is 18 has moved in student accommodation so I only have 2 kids at home now who Are 3 and 14 years. My boyfriend has always said my kids are not a problem he even said at the beginning that his life is with me and my 3 kids. He even said he wants to bring up my 3 year old son with me in the future. All of a sudden he's changed his mind; he doesn't even want to come to my house when my kids are there anymore. He’s been coming to mine for the last 2 years. He says my kids are a problem out of the blue. I have never confronted or argued about my kids with him and they haven’t done anything wrong. They have just behaved like a normal family. He says he loves me a lot he's even paid for holidays for me and him. He just wants it to be me and him but he doesn't want the responsibility of my kids. He did in the beginning; I don't know why he's doing this. I've tried asking him but he flips out; he hasn’t any children of his own and he's said he doesn't want any either but he knew I had kids at the beginning.
Our Reply
Hi Rachael,
It sounds like he is pressuring you to make a choice, between him and your children, which seems like an impossible thing to even contemplate.
If when you got together, he was willing to be part of your family unit, then it is odd that he has suddenly changed his mind. It might be that he didn’t mean it at first and hoped that his feelings would change on the matter. If he loves you then he will likely want to do anything necessary to stay together. However, he should know that being with you and your kids is the answer to that.
It might be worth considering if this man is right for you. It is natural to want to spend breaks apart from your children to have some couple’s time, however if this is a regular thing, then it sounds like he might never want to holiday with them. He needs to be honest with you about his true feelings so you know where you stand and if the relationship is worth staying in.
If you do love him and want to try and make this work, perhaps set aside a night each week where it’s just you and him. He might be feeling like he never gets any time with you and that is why he is arranging time away, so you can’t get distracted. Maybe if you had more couple time at a time and place that you both agree on then this might reduce any resentment that might be created from time spent with your kids. Then the rest of the time he knows is family time.
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