Jennifer asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my partner for almost 5 years. We bought a house together last year and have been trying for a baby. We actually had a miscarriage 2 months ago. When I met him I asked if he wanted to be married one day as I have always seen it as a big thing in my life. He said he did, but now he denies ever saying that as he never wants to marry. I know he said it and the reason I was asking was that I felt I was getting to the age I didn't want to waste time on a relationship wouldn't go the distance. He says a mortgage and baby are commitment enough but I feel really let down my dreams of marriage and the ultimate commitment and promise are now shattered. I feel we've been together too long to leave him and I do love him so much I'd be heartbroken if it ended. I don't know how to accept it
Our Reply
Hi Jennifer,
This sounds like a big shock for you, that your future doesn’t match what you partner sees for you both.
A mortgage and a baby are big commitments, so they are ways of ensuring your future together as chances are he would not have entered into them if he was not sure about your relationship.
You talk of leaving him- you could leave and find someone who wants marriage but not children, or who is not willing to commit to a mortgage with you. You could find someone who wants all three. It's all dependent on how much importance you place on marriage, if this something that you see yourself being resentful of then it could become a bigger problem later down the line.
If he has changed his mind without telling you- especially if it is on something that means a lot to you and always has, you should be entitled to have an explanation.
Perhaps talk to him about it and ask him if there are any other reasons for not wanting to marry? Could it be the worry of how much it will cost? If this is the case could you suggest saving up for it or arranging a cheaper option?
He might feel differently if you have children, however it is in your interest to find out before you get pregnant again. You speak of ‘accepting it’- perhaps you have done this already without really exploring with him the reasons for his change of heart and finding solutions to any worries he might have. Perhaps reinforce just how much it all means to you.
tagged in Partner Lucy Walton Baby married yin and yang agony aunt Miscarriage
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