Aurora asks :

Hi Lucy,

I've always thought my boyfriend of 5 years has loved me the way I am. I'm a size 16 and it made me feel special because he told me I look beautiful just the way I am. Lately, he has been bringing up topics about how I looked more than 5 years ago and at that time; I was quite slim, at sizes 12 - 14. He kept commenting how thin I looked back then and I straight out asked him if he liked me better when I was thinner. He even gave me an example of how he wants me to look by suggesting this girl that he used to have a huge crush on. He said he was just concerned for my health and wants me to be at my best in terms of health and appearance but it hurts. It hurts me that he wants me to look like his ex-crush because his ex-crush is very pretty and has a very nice body (including boobs and butt) due to her history as a dancer. Plus, she dresses very well as she is a fashion student. I know I've gained some weight along the years, but... it hurts, you know? It just hurts so much that he would prefer me to be thin when I've never asked him to look a certain way. I just don't know what to do or think :/

Our Reply

Hi Aurora,

This sounds like a bit of a jolt for you- you were under the assumption that your boyfriend is quite content with how you look, but the comment seems to have shaken that belief. It does sound like it would hurt to hear that from a loved one.

It is common for couples to put on weight once they get together, There is an element of comfort in a relationship, that can make one or both get complacent; more so than when they were single. You can still be a size 16 and healthy- there is no question- take your boyfriend out of the equation- how do you feel about your body?

The most important this is do you feel better or worse at your current size or your previous size? Any changes you make should be because you want to make them and not because of what he wants- it’s your body. If you feel more comfortable at a size 16 and that you can maintain it more easily- then stay as you are.

It is not helpful to compare you to someone else because you are your own person, with a completely different shape to his ex. No women is the same- so trying to aspire to look like her is unachievable for you are both built differently.

Perhaps tell him how much his comments have hurt you and ask him how he would feel if you compared him to one of your exs or another man? If you want to remain as you are- then perhaps stand your ground and ask him to accept you for you and stop with the comparisons. If you want to change- do it healthily and then ask him for his support. If he can’t support you or refrain from putting you down then it might be time to look for someone who will.

 

 


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