A asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my partner for 5 years. We met at university. We're 26. It's a long distance relationship but we are planning in moving in together this year. We are both each other's first sexual partners. I was in a long term relationship before but never had intercourse. He hadn't dated anyone before me, and had only kissed people. Basically, a few little bits have happened during the years, the first was 2011 where I found out he had been heavily flirting with his best friend (female) via Facebook. We know each other's views and boundaries etc. Recently he went out with work colleagues and visited a strip club. He knew I absolutely hate this. We are both going through a lot of personal stresses... He is very unhappy at work and depressed. And my brother is currently on a psychiatric ward. He tackles his unhappy by surrounding himself with sexual things or environments as he has told me this calms him down and makes him happy. I've told him I'm not happy with this. He has said he has itches that need scratching, for want of a better term. We have had huge conversations about the idea of compromising but I can't do it. I can't physically or emotionally cope with him having sexual contact at any level with others. I can't cope with him flirting with girls online or discussing fantasies etc. and I'm not ok with him going to strip clubs. He says he loves me and wants to be with forever...marriage kids etc. but that he has these itches where he just wants to sleep with other women. And that it's "just sex". Or visit clubs to just watch. Or discuss fantasies with other people online, that he can't necessarily carry out with me etc. He says he doesn't necessarily have to act on them but doesn't know how to make them go away or stop himself resenting me for stopping him. Neither of us want to split up but I can't stay in this relationship knowing he wants or needs more than just me.
Hi A,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Fidelity is something that most of us crave from our relationship, it is only in rare cases that women are accepting of their partners going to strip clubs and flirting with other people.
Have you considered counselling at all? Perhaps this is something you should talk about with a professional and discuss why he feels the need to satisfy his urges in other ways. It might also find whether this is a problem that can be treated with further professional help.
His admittance of this seems to have affected your trust for him and your faith in the relationship, so this is something that ought to be addressed before it gets worse. The less you trust him, the more your relationship might break down and the more likely he might be to look elsewhere and a vicious cycle is formed. Perhaps there is a curiosity in him, having never been with anyone else of what it would be like to be with another woman. Have your felt the same at any point?
Have you discussed anything that can be done in the bedroom to spice things up and indulge in some of his fantasies? Dressing up and dancing erotically for him for example. He might feel that he doesn't need to divert his attention if you are both engaging in role play together.
If you find that this is something that you can never agree on or understand, then it might be time to look for someone who will respect your wishes.
tagged in Facebook University Partner Relationship Flirting yin and yang best friend agony aunt kissed
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.