Bella asks :

Hi Lucy,

I don't know where to begin! There are layers of complications to my problem filled story. Okay, so I guess I will start my story in September last year. My Mum unexpectedly passed away of a brain haemorrhage whilst on holiday aged only 52. I am from the UK but was living in NYC, working as a fashion designer for a high end designer - my dream job I had worked my whole life to get. I knew then I had to go home - with only 10 days holiday and a seriously heartbroken Dad, I knew I needed to come back and be there for him. So I left my job, home and friends. I am now working for a high street retailer based in the middle of nowhere in England, ripping off the designs I made last year for the runway. Anyway - that's just the back story. One amazing plus to moving back to the UK is I get to see a lot of my best friends in London, who I lived with for 5 years before moving to NYC. My best friend of the bunch is Ben, he was the first friend I made at University and has remained my best friend since. He is the first person I called when my Mum died, and is a calming and lifting presence, as well as just a great friend. I set him up with his girlfriend Penny when we first went to school and they are still together now. I love Penny to death - if anyone tried to break them up or do anything to hurt them I would mow them down! They are the hub of the social group (the Monica and Chandler - if you will) that's just about the only thing I look forward to these days. Anyway, this is where it gets really complicated. A couple of weeks ago I was visiting them for Ben and Penny's joint birthday party. It was late and most people had gone to bed, but as usual (it's always been this way!) me and Ben stayed up chatting and catching up with each other. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, he ended up kissing me. And I am ashamed to admit I kissed him back. And this wasn't a quick, lifeless peck. This was like a god dam Nick and Jess New Girl explosion style thing. Before I knew it we had been making out for 5 hours. Don't get me wrong - we were well oiled (neat Gin was the poison here) but I knew what I was doing - and did it anyway. And the worst part of all...I really bloody enjoyed it. I have to admit when I first met him I did have a small crush - but had a long term boyfriend and it soon got pushed to the back of my mind. However since that night - very much to my despair - I cannot stop thinking about him and that dam passionate firework kissing session. I have tortured myself about it continuously, I can't sleep and feel sick with guilt - Penny is one my my best friends too. However - there is another gigantic problem. I too have a boyfriend - who has been an angel in the worst time of my life. He's been there for me, put up with my shit and I honestly couldn't have asked for any more from him. This isn't even the complicated part. We haven't had sex since my Mum passed away- we have barely even kissed. I had absolutely no interest or desire to do so. And now - I find myself constantly thinking about Ben and my body betrays just about everyone by longing to fuck him. I've never been so horny in my life - if I find myself thinking about that kiss - it drives me over the edge. I want him. But at the same time - I know it can never happen. I could never hurt Penny more than I already have, I could never destroy our friendship group like that - which as I said, is about the only thing I enjoy right now. But, my mind and body are arguing right now - they have very different opinions. I have no idea how he feels. The only thing we said was when he called me the next day - we agreed it was a drunken thing we would laugh about in a few years - it would be our secret. When I started to say how guilty I felt and how it was such a mistake he said "Yeah, but it was pretty hot though." And that was that. I tried calling him last night - just to ask him something about my car - but he didn't return my call. The worst thing of all could be to lose him altogether - I would figure out a way to crush my ridiculous and over powering cravings if it meant losing him forever. Anyway - that brings is up to date. Should I break up with my boyfriend? If I'm having feelings like this for someone else, and not him - that surely is not a good sign? How do I get him out my system? Is this all just a reaction to my grief? Anyway - any advice, help or anything would help right now, as honestly I am driving myself crazy. Sincerely, and Faithfully, Bella