John asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been friends with a woman for a couple of years now, and we have helped each other through the break ups of both of our last relationships. They were abusive relationships, and we were both victims, which has left us both rather guarded with regards to future relationships. (We are both mid 40s) The problem is, that I think I am falling in love with her. She had a terrible time with her ex, and the breakup of her relationship was quite messy, which has left its mark... She switches between 'wanting to join a convent' and hinting that she needs some affection..quite mixed messages.. I know how she feels because I am still very wary of pursuing a relationship, but, to be honest, I just want to wrap her and her kids up in my arms and make it all ok, but I am terrified, that if I tell her, she will react badly. We are very good friends, we know A LOT about each other, and I value her friendship hugely. I don't want to upset her, or over step the mark and endanger our friendship, but I feel I have to do something, because try as I might to ignore it, and put it to one side, the feelings just keep growing. How do I explain this without freaking her out, if I have miss-read the signs? Thank you very much for your time.
Our Reply
Hi John,
Given that you have both had bad relationships in the past might mean that you both have a good understanding of how each other feels about approaching love again and patience for any possible setbacks.
Perhaps you could suggest to her, if she is interested that you take things really slowly and see how you get on. Maybe her saying she wants to join a convent is her way of protecting herself from other people asking questions or from having to contemplate being hurt by another man again. If she ultimately wants affection then joining a convent is probably not the best place to get it from.
Telling someone that you love them should never be a reason to cause upset; it is one of the greatest compliments that you can give her. It sounds like you have tried to reverse these feelings but nothing has come of it, so perhaps the only way to move forward is to talk to her.
What you say about ‘wrapping her and he children up in your arms’ is a lovely sentiment and shows that you have a very loving and nurturing nature- which is perhaps what she needs from a partner after everything she has gone through.
You might both still need more time to heal here. You can do that as friends or as partners it all depends what comes from talking to her. As long as you reassure her that you will always be there in some capacity then it shouldn’t ‘freak her out’. Perhaps all she is looking for is a stable person in her life that won't ever hurt her. It sounds like you are now doing this or are ready to provide these things in either role if she will let you.
tagged in Friends relationships couple Friendship yin and yang agony aunt
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