Jane asks :
Hi Lucy,
I’m about to get married to the guy of my dreams but I have an ongoing issue with him which I’ve known about for the past year. As the marriage date is getting close, the issue is worrying me more than ever. The issue is that when me and my partner have sex he wants me to talk dirty to him. This is how he gets aroused. What I mean by dirty talk is that he wants me to tell him about my previous sex life with my ex's. Where did we have sex? How we had sex? Has anyone just touched me up? How did it feel? It come to a point that while having sex I said that I wanted to be an escort. He was thrilled with the idea, he wanted to know what the escorts did. He also watches a lot of porn movies and asks me what I think of the guy/girl etc. Its beginning to get a bit too much now as with me when I’m having sex with him all I want is for me and him have 100% commitment with one another to talk about each other a little but no one else. At times I have lied and made up stories about my past n I could c how fascinated he was hearing all this. But after sex he doesn’t want to repeat anything that was said during sex and doesn’t want me thinking wrong about him. I don’t want this anymore it’s not me and I don’t like it. But I love him to bits. What can I do or say? Or why does he like me talking like this? Please help me
Our Reply
Hi Jane,
This sounds like an effort to spice up your sex life has gone too far now for you, if not for him.
I would suggest you talk to him about it- maybe mention that it’s making you lie and that you want sex to be more intimate and about the both of you rather than fantasy or past sexual partners.
Usually couples talk about their exs with one another- this might be his way of finding out information about your past- everyone has a different way of coping with the fact that their partner has been with other people. It also acts as a comparison- he might want to feel more sexually adventurous in bed for you than your previous boyfriend/s.
If he still asks this from you after you have talked to him then perhaps some couples counselling might be of help to explore why he feels the need to bring up these subjects while you are having sex and that impact this is having on your libido. If you 'love him to bits' and still want to go through with the wedding then this can be ongoing in your first few months of married life as a support system.
It seems that there is a lot of pressure on your to perform- not necessary physically but verbally to sustain his arousal. It sounds like the enjoyment is perhaps not there for you anymore in your sex life and you need to get it back somehow.
Perhaps because you are still indulging him with stories even if they are not real, he believes that you are enjoying it too. If you tell him how it’s making you feel about your bedroom time- then he might not ask for it anymore.
tagged in Marriage Partner married yin and yang agony aunt
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