Kitty asks :
Hi Lucy,
I was about to move into a shared house with friends when we went out, had a bit to drink and I slept with one of them. We got on really well but just remained friends. A couple of months down the line we slept together again, this time sober. I then went on a fortnight's holiday and on my return, found out that he had another girl coming round for dinner. I was pretty upset and angry and was left feeling pretty down about myself. A few days later I went to chat to him about it and told him that I liked him (I never would have slept with him otherwise). He said it wasn't that he didn't like me and that it was not just that we lived together but for him that was where it ended. I've kind of been left wondering why he likes me enough to sleep with me but I'm no good for anything more. But anyway, we agreed to leave it there. We still get on really well and I love having him as my friend and don't want to change that. But I avoid them when she comes over and can't bring myself to meet her face to face. The worst part is that now she has started sleeping over and whenever she stays I just can't sleep. I feel physically sick when I think of them in bed together upstairs, her sleeping on my side of the bed. I really don't want to move out, I'm so settled here but there are days every week where I get no sleep from worrying about it and wondering what she has that I don't. Am I overreacting considering we only slept together twice? Why did he sleep with me if he doesn't like me? He says that's not it and that he wanted to sleep with me and he enjoyed it but that's it. Why?
Our Reply
Hi Kitty,
If you are all going to be living together for a while then it might have been a good move that you two didn’t start anything up. If you got into a relationship that didn’t succeed then you would have to live together while trying to get through a break up. This could potentially be a lot worse that what you are going through right now. It seems like timing and the situation are against you, so maybe try not to see it as a fault with you- he has already told you that it’s not about you-simply that it complicates your friendship and your living arrangement.
It may sound scary but if you spend time with them both when she comes over it might help you to move on. Right now, your imagination seems to be running riot and is stopping you from sleeping because you are thinking of them together. If you see them together around the house and get used to it then it might not affect you as much at bedtime.
If he is the type of guy who sleeps with lots of different women and won’t commit to one then it sounds like he might not be for you anyway. From your letter it seems that you place a lot of importance on sex and want someone who feels the same way. Perhaps he is better as a friend right now and if you can find someone else who lives outside of the house share- then you could both be happy with other people.
tagged in Friends couple Lucy Walton yin and yang agony aunt
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