Jessie asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have a bit of a dilemma, me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now and we love each other very much, but on New Year's Eve I was out with friends at this pub party and I bumped into this guy and was sort of rude to him basically told him to f**k off. It didn't occur to me who it was until my friend told me he was quite well known. I thought nothing of it thinking he'd forget about the incident and move on. Unfortunately a few weeks ago I was with friends again at the pub for drinks; he was there he bought me a drink I declined it. Then Friday night I was out with friends at a party and he was there again, I let him buy me a drink trying to be civil, and then lost him in the crowd. He eventually found me and we got talking I admit I enjoyed talking to him, we have a lot in common and it was nice to talk to someone new. Also that night we were going to a friend’s house party and we got talking again and spent most of the party just talking about each other's hobbies and ambitions. I told my boyfriend what had happened and his replies were angry and pi**ed off because he felt like this guy was always showing up whenever I go out with my friends to that pub. I have told my boyfriend that nothing was ever going to happen and that this guy was going to forget about me and move onto the next girl that catches his eye. I understand where my boyfriend is coming from but I can't help but feel guilty that I've let myself get to know this guy even though I swore to myself to not talk to him, I was hoping my being rude to him would throw him off but it has had the opposite effect. Please I have told my boyfriend that I love him eternally and won't go to that place again just to avoid this guy but I liked his company and I enjoyed getting to know him. So what do I do?
Our Reply
Hi Jessie,
From your point of view, this might be pretty innocent- however this guy might think he has a chance if you have not talked about your boyfriend or your relationship status. Even if you have, he might assume that you want to leave your partner or that things are not going well between you both. It might be worth dialling things back a bit with this guy so he doesn’t get the wrong impression about your situation with your partner.
It is good that you have been honest with your boyfriend and told him about it, otherwise, if he had found out via other means he might have assumed that you were cheating on him or about to. It is understandable that your boyfriend is being protective, as any man who shows an interest in an attractive woman could be a potential threat to a relationship. That said, if he trusts you he should know deep down that you wouldn’t betray him- it sounds like it’s the guy he has the issue with.
You should not have to choose, however, put yourself in your partner’s shoes- if he was getting really friendly with another girl and sharing each other’s hobbies and ambitions with one another- how comfortable would you be with that?
Perhaps this guy is filling a gap in your relationship: maybe it has highlighted that you should try to talk to your partner more deeply, to make things stronger between you both. The reason that he has reacted so negatively towards the situation might be out of jealousy that you can’t talk to him about such things but you can with another man.
Lucy x
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.