Lizzie asks :
Hi Lucy,
I don't know who else to turn to and I really need some help or advice, because I really am at the absolute end of my tether. Basically, I'm in my first ever relationship, I'm 25 and have never, ever had a boyfriend in my life. We've been together for 15 months now and I really do love him. He makes so happy, the happiest I've been. He's made me feel so comfortable with him, including our sex life, something that I never thought would happen properly, as I was sexually abused when I was a child by a relative and a friend's brother. So for that I am truly grateful and can't wait to be with him. The problem is that neither my boyfriend nor my family get on. My family are putting pressure on me daily to break up with him (though this is through the art of self-conciseness) and my boyfriend is either quiet or just shrugs them off when he's around, and both of them are making so unhappy with this situation that I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has already said that he doesn't want to live with my family, so is saving up for a flat of our own. He doesn't get on with my sister, to which she doesn't either. In January my mother told me that she hated me and that every breath I took was full of hate, to which, when she had calmed down, I found out was because of my relationship. My sister used to sing Avril Lavinge's Girlfriend, but alter the lyrics to "hey, hey you, I don't like your boyfriend, think you need one" round the house. I don't know if she was unaware as to how much that hurt me. She glares at my phone whenever it goes off, as though she's either waiting for me to cry or the text itself has offend her in some way. I understand that they care about me and want the best, but I am really happy with him. I know he isn't perfect, I am fully aware of his traits but you know, I'm not perfect either. We've never had a full blown argument; he hasn't threatened me or has been nasty to me. He has said some hurtful things, which I've brought him up on the matter. They don't approve of where he lives or indeed his job (he's currently working at my University's cafe, which, of course doesn't pay a lot). I am just at a loss at what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I also love my family but both of them, like this, are making me so unhappy and I really am at a loss as to what to do. I'm in my final year of university, so that in itself is putting unwanted pressure on me along with this, which, I have lost weight through, because I am so stressed out at the moment. Please help!
Our Reply
Hi Lizzie,
You sound very torn between all the important people in your life right now.
Your family are only looking out for your best interests, as families do, sometimes they don’t do it in the most understanding of ways or with the most diplomacy but in their minds they are doing the best for you.
What is it about him that they don’t like other than his job or where he lives? These two things are not necessarily his fault- so chances are it’s more to do with his personality or behaviour. Have you told them about the times when he has spoken to your out of turn? It may be these instances that have tainted his reputation with them. The important thing is that you ’brought him up on them’- you seem to have defended yourself when it mattered which shows that you are not afraid to be honest with him.
Perhaps try and arrange a family meeting and discuss what it is about your boyfriend that they find so offensive. At least then you will know the reasons without having to speculate. Families can have infectious opinions of a person- if one doesn’t like him then chances are the rest will follow suit, without good reason. If you talk to each of them and ask them what their individual problem with him is then it might shed some light on ways you can better the situation. It may be that if he is quiet and just shrugs in their company that he appears not to be making an effort with your family so they are extending him the same courtesy.
Given what happened to you- they are probably even more protective of you so that history does not repeat itself. This is your first relationship since- so you were likely going to go into it with more passion and gusto than if you had had many boyfriends before your current partner. This is the first man you have been intimate with since your abuse so perhaps try not to let that cloud your judgement.
tagged in Family Relationship boyfriend yin and yang agony aunt
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.