MDP asks :
Dear Lucy,
This is a very difficult letter to write as its admitting the harsh truth. My girlfriend has zero sexual desire for me, we have been together 5 and a half years, I’m 32 she is 24 and see has an extreme lack of interest in sex. I have talked to her about it in our relationship and all she says is she doesn’t feel like it, no excuses just that. I can understand not every day she might feel like it, so I read into her statement to try and wine and dine. I have tried cooking for her, giving her massages, shopping with and for her and nothing has made a difference. She says she loves me and I believe her she has given a lot of emotional support over our relationship, and we do have sex on rare occasions she enjoys it. My only conclusion is the lust isn’t there, she doesn’t find me attractive, she would happily have sex probably 4 times a year. She usually ends up having sex with me out of pity really, after I tried my luck a couple of times in the same month. I don’t mind admitting I have a high sex drive but I respect her extreme low drive and don’t pursue it anywhere near as much as I want to. I love her very much but I don’t know what to do anymore her drive has gotten worse over the relationship and by the time ten years comes it will probably be once a year if I’m lucky. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you MDP
Hi MDP,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds like a very insecure place to be, where you want to show your love for her through being physically intimate but feel that she is no longer interested in sex.
You speak of the love you have for her and seem very sure of the love she has for you, so you have a great basis to work with here. It would be very different if that side to your relationship had faded also. When the sex starts to diminish, the natural reaction is to assume that it’s you who is the reason for it. This can be an unhealthy path to follow as you will start looking at yourself negatively and if you don’t believe you have anything to offer her then the sex might become non-existent. If you have not changed physically or emotionally in the time you have been together then it sounds like she needs your help to work on some of her own personal issues with sex.
I am not saying that it is entirely her that has put a stop to it, but if it has something to do with you she has not communicated it yet.
She has told you that she doesn’t feel like it- have your probed her further to ask her why? It seems like it’s a very sensitive subject for her so try and be patient. It might be difficult conversation to have but if you focus on how much you love her and miss her physically then this will come across better than focusing on the lack of sex you are having.
Perhaps tell her how attractive you still find her after all this time- she might be having some self-esteem issues and if you help to boost her confidence this might help.
Sex is not everything in relationship; that said it helps to bring you closer together. Have you considered going to couples counselling? This might help you to both explore how you are feeling about this and why it’s not happening.
It sounds like you have tried a lot of different things to try and facilitate the sex, with everything you mentioned, but perhaps big gestures are not what she needs- it might be the little ones that mean more to her.
tagged in couple Lucy Walton Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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