My partner is obsessed with golf- should I tell him I feel second best to his hobby?

12 May 2022

Anonymous asks:

My partner is literally obsessed with golf- he spends all weekend watching it, he reads about it in bed and it's always on the TV- if not a live match- a re-run. I feel like I am second best to his hobby. Should I tell him that I feel he loves his sport more than me or am I overreacting? Any advice would be appreciated.

Relationship expert Jessica Leoni says: “I don’t think you are over-reacting at all - your partner is behaving incredibly selfishly and he needs calling out.

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“Golf is the most anti-social of all sports because it takes up so much time. Playing a round of 18 holes takes at least four hours and then you need to factor in the travel there and back to the golf course (another hour) and maybe a couple of drinks afterwards at the 19th hole - that is pretty much the whole day. If your partner is doing that all weekend then he is pretty much abandoning you during the day each weekend to pursue his hobby. I could just about live with this if he were more attentive when he is not on the golf course but it sounds like his selfishness/golf obsession extends to your home life, too - with him slumped in front of the TV watching it or reading about it in bed. It sounds like golf, golf, golf 24/7.

“This does make me wonder about the general health of your relationship. I get that he loves golf, but have you asked yourself why he doesn’t want to spend more time with you? Have you stopped communicating and has the fun gone out of your relationship? Is the intimate side of things still good? You need to look at all aspects of your marriage and whether his golf obsession is just a symptom of a laziness in keeping the spark alive or, more likely, a pointer to a marriage that is in trouble.

“Perhaps I am jumping to conclusions but a survey by the affairs site IllicitEncounters.com found that ‘I am playing golf’ was the number one cheating alibi by men who are having affairs. You have given no indication that that is the case here, but it is certainly alarming how much time he is spending away from you.

“I think it is fairly obvious from your letter that you love your partner very much. One obvious solution would be to take up golf yourself so that you could play together. So many couples love playing together and it is a great way to both keep fit together as you get older.

“If golf is not your thing then you are going to have to have a proper heart-to-heart with your partner and explain that you need more from him. Perhaps he could limit himself to one round at weekends rather than two, or nine holes rather than 18. Maybe you could insist on early or late start times so that the whole day isn’t taken up by golf. Maybe he could play in the evenings during the summer, rather than at weekends, when we have longer days and daylight till later.

“But all these are just papering over the cracks and what you really need to do is re-engage with your partner and get some zip back into the relationship. Start mixing up your routine and adding some fun elements - activities that are a whole lot more fun than a round of golf!”