S asks :
Hi Lucy,
Am I being unreasonable and should I be worried? Everything was brilliant between me and my husband. Then over Christmas my husband became a little distant and then continuously talked about how amazing his new female friend was. I was worried and after a chat, found that he had feelings for his friend. I'm told the feelings have gone now but I am not happy with how much he messages her. When I said this, he said he would never drop a friend for anyone... which doesn't make me feel so special. I wondered if I was being unreasonable. In the conversation he also said he plans to be with me his whole life but he cannot say he will be 100% as he's seen couples fall out of love and he cannot 100% say this will never happen although not happening right now... I know this is true, but it makes me worried. Should it? I'm going around like a nervous wreck, worried that I'm going to lose him!
Our Reply
Hi S,
You are not being unreasonable. This would worry most women if they were faced with the same situation.
Perhaps it’s time that you went to see a relationship counsellor- maybe arrange a visit with Relate, who specialise in this. This involves an hour session with a professional, who can provide an unbiased point of view on your situation and allow you to talk things through. If you suggest this, it might prompt him to pay more attention to your feelings and how his actions are affecting you.
Christmas is a notorious time to re-evaluate your relationships because of all the pressures of one of the most stressful times of year. Why not talk to him and ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you were texting another man how would he react to it? This might make him look at things differently.
He has told you that he has feelings for her so that could have been his opportunity to leave, but he didn’t. There is nothing to say that you will be with the same person forever, however you make vows to promise you will do this.
It could be that he is simply enjoying the attention from another female and the novelty has worn off now. Whatever the reason, it is worth exploring. He has been honest with you, however this has then caused you to doubt whether he will stay with you, so it’s worth asking for some outside help so you can get through this and move on.
Lucy x
tagged in Christmas Relationship Husband friend yin and yang agony aunt
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