sara asks :

I have been seeing this man for about a year, we first met through work, i was separated from my husband and he was separated from his wife. we spent a lot of time together, I met his family and he met mine etc... we slept together twice during this time. He was in need of somewhere to move into as his short term tenancy was running out and it was at this time I started to see he had a drug problem, he was open about this and told me he needed some support around it so I agreed to help and support him, he moved into my house in the spare room and battled his drug problem and I am happy to say he has been clean nearly a year now. when he moved in our relationship changed, we became like brother and sister, he stayed in the spare room and apart from a hug we had no physical relationship. one day i bit the bullet and told him that I wanted him to be more than a friend but he told me that he valued our friendship too much for us to have a relationship. shortly after this he moved out into his own flat, although it hurt like hell I helped him with the move and we continued pretty much like we always had, he would come round after work, we would go out to dinner, movies visit my family, his family etc.... Its almost like we are in some kind of non physical relationship, we both tell each other we love one another and always text nigh night etc every night I know he has been seeing other women and trying to keep this a secret from me, which I guess in his eyes is ok as we are not actually in a relationship, as we work together I cant avoid him and being in limbo like this is killing me. He knows I would drop everything for him in a flash but I know deep down he wouldnt do the same for me. I love him, i get on well with his family and deep down i know he is a good person, I have never been in any sort of relationship like this before and i dont know whether I am just being used as when we do go out its always me that pays etc, I know that financially he is struggling due to the move etc... but Im starting to think maybe he is taking me for granted now, I'm not sure where to go with this.

Yin replies

Hi Sara, thanks for writing in.

The fact that you lived together meant that the opportunity was there to start something up and it has been bypassed. You did right to ask and get things out in the open and find out what it is he wants, but if he only sees you as friend then it may have to stay that way.

You were there for him when he needed you the most and that is probably really important to him, hence why you are on good terms with all of his family. If he is seeing other people then he is ready to move on so you should probably do the same. 

Yang replies

If he has his own place now, is back on his feet and can afford the rent then you should not be paying for everything. He should contribute, and if he can’t afford it then perhaps eat in rather than going out to places, so you can still see each other. Then you will really know if he wants to spend the time with you or not. It’s not a test but friendship is about give and take and now you have helped him get his life back, now he should be making you feel like your friendship is worthwhile.

The last year will have been a lot about him as you helped him rid himself of his addiction (and it is a big thing to overcome), so perhaps suggest that it should be more balanced now that that part of his life is behind him. 


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