Helen asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been in a relationship for 14 years , and we have only had sex about 9 times during it. At the beginning of the relationship he was affectionate, but as time went on he started to say he was tired, low sex drive, every excuse was thrown at me . If I'd known back then that I'd be in this situation, I would never have entered into this relationship. I have been physically abused in the past by men so meeting him, was a blessing as he has taken care of me and my 19 year old son financially, and I can trust him. Everything is fine part from the intimacy. I have had a very traumatic life, and I suffer from low self-esteem. I think this prevents me from starting out on my own, I don't think I could cope, with being independent, worrying if my job is going to be there tomorrow. I feel at a loss. I've tried talking to him loads of times, to no avail, been all through his computer, files everything. But I will say I have found gay porn, and I have found anal sex toys, he has denied being gay. Saying it's just a fetish. But I don't know!! Most of his army work mates are gay, and when I went out with them all once, some that were married to their wives looked gay, acted gay. It was very upsetting, but I kept a straight face. I feel like I've been short changed from the start, I gave up my flat to live in his house 7 years ago , and now I feel I have nothing . Sometimes I feel like finding someone new, and running away, just for some love intimacy. But I couldn’t live with the guilt, being Christian. Any help would be of great comfort. Thank you
Our Reply
Hi Helen,
If you have talked to him, then perhaps it's time to suggest some relationship counselling. It sounds like when it’s just you and him talking you are not getting anywhere so having an impartial person to share your worries with might help you both.
Some of the things he is doing or not doing could point to him being gay- such as the porn, the sex toys and the lack of sex in your relationship. However like he said it might just be a fetish- some men are simply curious about what other men do together in bed as you might be about two women. His lack of sexual drive could be something physical or emotional that you are not aware of. He might be embarrassed or ashamed of it and so has found excuses to avoid it in the past.
It sounds like you have given up a lot to be with him and have endured these feelings for a while so it seems like a good time to finally do something about it.
If he is kind and supportive of you and your child, these are all positives, however sex is an integral part of any relationship and if you are not having it regularly then you might have simply evolved into being friends who live together.
If you have low self-esteem then it sounds like you need some love and affection to help you with that as well it simply being part of your day to day contact.
It sounds like you have exhausted every other avenue, so maybe give the counselling a go, you might find some answers there.
tagged in Lucy Walton Relationship Gay yin and yang agony aunt
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