Dele asks :
Hi Lucy,
I'm a 49 year old man and have two kids with their mother. We all live together but my partner and I are not a normal couple. In hindsight it's clear I made a mistake when I opted to stay with her when she got pregnant 17 years ago. We had already broken up then and I got the pregnancy news out of the blue. I tried to make it work for the kids but the relationship we have can be likened to Middle East politics. Hostile and topsy turvy. I'll be 50 soon and have so far been very unhappy and far, far from content. If I ask her to leave what will happen to my 16 and 11 year old son daughter? I want to marry one day but my circumstances are not amenable to this.son, daughter
Hi Dele,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like you have given this relationship a lot of your time and commitment for your children’s sake; however after so long if you are still not feeling happy, then it might be time to go your separate ways.
Perhaps asking her to leave might be an unproductive thing to do. If she feels that she is being thrown out of her own home then she might retaliate in all sorts of ways.
Perhaps talk to her- if you’re not feeling happy then maybe she isn’t either. You might find that she has stayed with you for the same reasons.
Could you talk about a more amicable split? Perhaps seek out some relationship counselling so you can find a way to tell her that you are thinking about leaving and how best to do it with the least amount of damage to your children and of course yourselves.
It doesn’t sound like you want to leave her for anyone else, just that you are not happy in your current relationship. Maybe this will make things a bit easier; involving a third person could complicate things further.
Have you talked to her about wanting to get married some day? Perhaps the reason you are not content is because you have lacked the honesty to tell each other you feel over the years. If you have regretted your decision to stay for so long, without talking about it, then maybe some resentment has built up on your part. Or maybe your life goals were simply too different.
Whatever you decide it might be for the best if you communicate every step of the way with your partner. She may respond negatively after so long of keeping your true feelings to yourself, however you might find that where your children are concerned it could be the healthiest way to approach this.
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