Susan asks :
Hi Lucy,
I am getting married in September and my husband to be has just come back from his stag do. He spent 3 nights in Germany and I missed him so dearly! However, he has come back this evening and I was asking him what he had done and he was telling me. I asked if he went to a strip club and was told me yes! I'm so glad he didn't lie to me. When we first started dating each other a strip club visit was a huge issue for me! MASSIVE, he lied about going and we almost broke up. It's not that I don't trust him; I just didn't like the thought of him touching another woman's body and vice versa. I later found out that this kind of strip club doesn't allow 'touching'.
However, back to the current situation, I want to be ok with the fact that he went to a strip club. It was his stag do after all. But I'm not! I'm not ok; it was a different country so all I can think is that there were body parts and hands everywhere. I have low self-esteem, I'm never going to look like any woman that would be in a strip club and just can't stop thinking about it. I really do want to be ok with it. I don't feel I can talk to him about it as I don't want to ruin his weekend. I just don't know what to do; it seems to be consuming my every thought! We also have baby twins and I am suffering from PND, so I can't rationalise this. I'm so angry with myself for feeling this way. Any advice? Thanks x
Hi Susan,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Women often find it difficult to cope with their men going to a strip club for their stag party, imaginations run riot and often we make up scenarios that we have seen in movies and on TV- which might be far removed from the truth.
If he kept it from you once before and told you this time, then it sounds like he has learned his lesson and has been honest with you.
Perhaps this was a strip club that allowed no touching- the most important thing is that you trust he didn't cheat on you and has told you everything you need to know. The bottom line is, he could have cheated but he watched some women dance then he came back to you and wants to marry you.
It sounds like you are threatened by these women because of the way you feel about yourself. Perhaps you would not feel this way if your self-esteem was higher.
Maybe you could enrol in some counselling to help you work on your self-esteem issues. If you are already suffering from PND and now low self-esteem then it might be a way for you to talk about the feelings surrounding both and work on each one individually.
It goes without saying that you need to enter your marriage feeling happy with yourself which will only filter down to your children, so it's probably in your best interest to unravel these emotions and make sense of where they are coming from.
It sounds like you might need to give yourself some time away from your family, even if it's just for an hour, to discuss these feelings and be totally honest with yourself- to give you a break to focus on your for a while.
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.