Why does my friend tell other people about my private life?

21 April 2022

Anonymous asks:

A close friend of mine says that they have social anxiety and wants to meet more people, so I've been including her in activities with some of my other friends. The only problem is, is that she tends to talk about my private life to my other friends, not behind my back or anything, she just talks about my opinions and experiences of previous relationships like it’s public knowledge rather than something that I told her in confidence. This has made me feel very self-conscious and I don't know how to bring up that I don't feel comfortable when she does this. Also, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and make her anxiety worse, but equally, I don't like my private life and past to be up for group discussion unless I decide to talk about it. Another problem with this close friend is that when I decide to do something without her, like buying tickets to a concert with my old housemates, she gets angry and tells me that I'm being a bad friend. I just have no idea how to approach the situation, any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Relationship expert Jessica Leoni said: “First of all it is important to say what a good friend you have been to this woman - trying to help through her anxieties and being so considerate over her rather embarrassing over-sharing of your personal life. Lots of people would cut such a friend adrift for that kind of behaviour, particularly one who is also needy and has anger issues. You are a remarkable woman and it is about time that your friend woke up to this and started treating you with a little more respect and sensitivity.

Galina Zhigalova / Alamy Stock Photo

“As you say, we do not want to add to your friend’s anxieties but you cannot suffer in silence any longer and you must raise her gossiping about your personal life sooner rather than later.

“You need to pick your moment away from your other friends and politely say that you would rather she didn’t share these details with friends. If you think such an approach will send her over the edge, you could soften it a little by reminding her when you are next getting personal that this information is just between the two of you and you would rather she didn’t mention it to anyone else. We all ask friends to show discretion with our personal secrets and I don’t see why such a request would offend her. By making that request, she will quickly deduce that you might have been uncomfortable about her sharing your secrets previously and will refrain from doing so again.

“It is worth cutting your friend a little slack - she has clearly been through a tough time and making new friends while suffering from social anxiety is not easy. She is so lucky to have you at her side.

“As for her neediness, this needs addressing as well. It perhaps can wait till you have sorted out the problems over her lack of discretion. You can see how she reacts to being corrected on this before making your move over the neediness. Hopefully she will see she has been at fault over the gossiping and will change her ways without rancour. If she does, then gently point out that her neediness is unnecessary and that she is a dear friend who need not worry about you socialising with others. Tell her this isn’t you being a bad friend - this is you just getting on with your life and not limiting your social circle to just one person.”