Jamie asks :
My issue is that my girlfriend of 7 months refuses to have sex with me anymore! We have blatantly left the honeymoon period behind us, but as I would like to have sex she bluntly refuses. She tells me that she’s just lost her libido and it will come back but I have been patient and waited nearly 3 months now. I’ve tried speaking to her about it but it just ends up in arguments. I tell her how I feel about her every day and so does she, I buy gifts just because I love her and so does she... I know she loves me and I love her but it’s getting to the point where I don't feel adequate anymore. I don't feel attractive, I feel as though I'm being pushy or nagging.. Because every time I try and she says no I feel so dejected and hurt that I don't even TRY to ask her. I’m scared of asking because I know what the answer will be. She says I'm a sex maniac where actually, if we had it once every.. 3 weeks ish? I wouldn't have so much lust! The longer she makes me wait the more I want her and I can’t stand it. I’ve told her before to take account of my feelings towards the matter but she doesn't. It’s like, where sex is concerned, my feelings don't even matter. I’m lost and really need a helping hand in the matter.. Thank you.
Yin says:
Agony Aunts on Female First
Hi Jamie,
This does sound frustrating when you feel that your sexual attraction for her is growing the longer you are not having it.
Are you focusing solely on not getting sex when you talk to her about it? She has already admitted that she has a low libido, so perhaps you could explore together why this might be. A low libido in women can be down to all sorts of things. Physical causes can include anaemia, alcoholism, diabetes or prescribed drugs (is she on the pill? Or anti-despressants?).
Psychological causes can be such as depression, stress, anxiety, childhood, past abuse, relationship problems or difficult living conditions.
If any of these sound like they could be responsible then it might be worth talking to her about them. If you are missing the sex then chances are she is too, but can’t find a reason or hasn’t realised herself that any of the above could be a contributing factor. If you each focus on what you don’t have rather than the potential then it will likely make you both feel inadequate, so perhaps try to focus on what you could have again and the steps to take to get there.
Yang says:
Hi Jamie,
One common problem in women is vulvodynia, which is a psychological issue where women feel pain when they have sex and so fear having it in future. This is a very sensitive issue and makes women feel powerless in the bedroom. Sometimes they feel it’s easier just to abstain. It might be that she has this but as mentioned above there are many other issue it could be down to.
The main thing is to talk about it- you might not get answers in the first conversation, however if you have openness and trust in your relationship then this should help narrow it down.
Have you tried other things together? Could you explore oral sex more or change up your foreplay routine? There are many sex toys on the market that are for masturbation- you could watch each other masturbate and give each other a helping hand afterwards.
Do you have intimacy in general as a couple? Do you touch one another romantically? Do you kiss, cuddle or hold hands? It might not just be your physical relationship that is suffering but your general manner with one another in all parts of your life.
You haven’t mentioned her age- is she is of a certain age- she might be going through menopause which can can have a detrimental effect on libido as her hormones might be all over the place.
With this situation commutation is key and patience- if you love her then you should be prepared to wait until she is ready and be supportive of any ways you might try to get your sex life back on track. If you feel you can't wait then this might not be the relationship for you.
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