Hannah asks :
Hi Lucy,
Should I be annoyed that he's kept a record of how much money he's spent on me!? My boyfriend and I are recent graduates and aren't particularly well off for the time being. We've been together for six months and during that time there's been occasions when he's treated me, no questions asked, and there have been occasions when we've both said we'll split it or I'll owe him or whatever. This morning I found TWO lists on his laptop desktop, called 'hannahs tab', with a few things on there, such as drinks, meals, a couple of books and cinema tickets from when we first started dating (January). I was hurt and upset that he'd actually taken the time to work it out and write all of this down, as well as feeling guilty - but am I right to be upset?! He made me feel like I was over reacting and being stupid. He said he wasn't going to pressure me for it back or even ask for it, he was just 'interested'. I got really upset and left in a bit of a state, but now I'm worried I have overreacted. Surely this isn't right though!? I'm well aware I owe him money for a few things and will make sure he gets every penny back - but is it normal, right or necessary to keep actual tabs on your girlfriend!?! Any advice welcome as to how I can handle this. He's quite stubborn and doesn't see why I'm upset so I really need a way of helping him to understand! He does have slight OCD too so I'm not sure if that's a contributory factor.
Hi Hannah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Some people like to keep tabs on what they are spending so if they are short form month to month they can see where cut backs can be made. It can be quite a sensible tactic if you are not well off financially.
Relationships should be about give and take, however, so if one of you is short one month, then the other should support them and vice versa, when the situation is reversed. You have not been together that long a time and couples can sometimes still see themselves as individuals financially until they get something joint together like a house. Perhaps he is still in this mind-set.
If he offered the money he spent on you as a treat, then maybe you should not have to give him the money back, however if you feel that strongly about paying him back the money then do so. Maybe you are better off for the initial part of your relationship splitting everything 50-50 and that way this incident will not arise again.
If this is something that he has done for a while, not just for you but for his personal expenses, then it is unlikely you will get him out of the habit, especially when you say he’s stubborn and is not seeing things from your point of view.
All that said, just keep in mind that if you two are serious enough to get place together and share bills that this kind of meticulous financial record keeping will probably happen again. It’s all about whether you feel you can come to accept it or not.
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