Rick asks :
Hello Lucy,
I've been seeing a girl for 4 months now and it's being going really well to the point where I feel like I'm falling for her. Just recently I found out that when she was 16 (10 years ago) she had an unplanned pregnancy and gave the baby up to her in-laws for fear of being disowned by her family. I feel extremely conflicted not just because of what I found out but also because I didn't find out from her, particularly because we are at the point of establishing our relationship. I feel it as a betrayal of trust and wonder had I not found out at what point would she have told me if at all? I do appreciate that it must be extremely difficult for her to deal with this. I am heartbroken because I really thought I had something special with her. Please advise. Thank you Rick (male)
Hi Rick,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Four months is not a long time to be going out with someone and there is no written rule that states what you should and should not exchange with one another and on what timescale. If it has been going really well, then chances are she will tell you in her own time. It can take a long time to completely trust someone, and what she has to tell you is not something small.
It was likely one of the most conflicting times in her life, so if she does tell you then chances are she needs understanding rather than accusations of her not telling you sooner. It is not her fault that you heard this information from someone else.
If your bring it up you could run the risk of dredging up old memories and tearing apart healed wounds so it might be best if you wait for her to tell you. Perhaps then you can tell her that you already knew but you didn’t want to upset her. Or if you do decide to talk to her about it then approach it with caution and maybe try to be as supportive as you can.
If she has not said anything yet it might still be because she is trying to make sense of it in her mind. At 16 there is little emotional maturity there to try and work through such an adult situation, so it’s likely impacted her later in life too.
If you feel you are falling for her and something long-lasting could come out of this then perhaps be patient with her. If you didn’t know about this then it sounds like everything else is going well, so why should something from her past ruin it now? It was before you met and perhaps she doesn’t know how to tell you yet, but one day she might- at which point you can be prepared.
tagged in Pregnancy Family Relationship Baby yin and yang agony aunt
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