Michelle asks :
Hi Lucy,
I'm 6 months pregnant and my sex life with my boyfriend has gone from once a week to not at all. Whilst I have a high sex drive, he never really has, leaving me to be the one who always instigates it. I haven't been with him long, 9 months. I have no doubt he is my partner for life and I understand sex isn't everything but this really does affect my self-esteem. Other than this our relationship really is great and he is the perfect, caring guy. I'm an attractive sexy female, so why doesn't he want sex with me? I have tried to ignore this, we went without it for 6 weeks, I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't reply. Perhaps I sound defensive when I bring it up and that's why he shuts down. The sex isn't great. There is no foreplay at all, he doesn't passionate kiss, the whole thing lacks passion and enthusiasm. I don't know where to go from here. I don't even think you can help me.
Hi Michelle,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Perhaps he is a little cautious about having sex with you while you are pregnant- it sounds like you have been pregnant for the majority of your relationship- so maybe the spark you had at the beginning has been affected by the pregnancy. Perhaps reassure him that sex during pregnancy is ok and that as long as you feel well enough and have no pain, no harm can really come to the baby or you.
Perhaps when you talk to him about it you are going about it in an ineffective way. If you are focusing on the negative aspect of not having any sex then he may feel useless. Perhaps tell him how much you care about him and all the things you have told me- that he’s ‘perfect’, ‘caring’ and that you believe him to be your ‘partner for life’. Then maybe talk about how much you miss him and being close to him. If you feel that the sex is not satisfying you then try to encourage some more foreplay between you- ask him to do things to you and if he is doing it well- encourage him and show him that he is making you feel good. If he can see that he is pleasing you then its simple positive reinforcement- and the likelihood is he will do it again.
You are both preparing to be parents- which can take the focus away from being a couple and onto what responsibilities are awaiting you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he is no longer attracted to you- just that he has other things on his mind that might be lowering his libido- like will I be a good father?
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