A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done
A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done is my latest book, released this fall by McGraw-Hill. I spent 15 years as a sports agent, negotiating contracts and marketing deals for athletes, coaches and broadcasters. When I left that industry, I realized how much those negotiation skills were an asset not just in my career but in my everyday life. We negotiate every day, whether we realize it or not. Most people recognize negotiation is a valuable skill and want to get better, but they lack the resources and training to really do that. Unfortunately because of that, negotiation is really intimidating and anxiety-inducing for most people. That was my inspiration for this book—to provide a framework to help people become better negotiators no matter what their role, and also to realize that negotiation is really establishing trust and building relationships—one conversation at a time.
Why are women more timid when it comes to negotiating?
I think a lot of it has to do with societal norms and gender expectations. Fortunately, we are progressing but there’s no doubt that it still comes into play. Some attitudes and norms just haven’t caught up to women’s advancement in the workplace over the years. There is a social cost to negotiating for women that is not statistically significant for men. The anxiety that women feel about negotiation is natural, but I hope my book can help arm women with the confidence and courage to ask for what they want. By not negotiating, we lose out on more than just money. We miss opportunities, valuable training, promotions, an expanded network and more.
What are the gender stereotypes of negotiating?
One is that women aren’t as skilled negotiators as men. Statistics show that is not the case, but the numbers do show that women negotiate less and are more apprehensive about negotiating than their male counterparts. The stereotypes are really a reflection of broader gender stereotypes. Men are expected to ask for what they want and women are not expected to assert themselves in that same manner. For women, gender stereotypes and expectations can limit what we think we are allowed to ask for and whether we ask at all.
What is the first step to mentally prepare for negotiation?
In A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating, I call it “setting the stage.” Mentally preparing for a negotiation is really important. It revolves around 360-degree awareness. You have to truly put yourself in the other person’s shoes. You have to get outside of yourself and truly put yourself in the other side’s shoes. You have to get clear on the goals, needs, gaps, values and fears of the other side. What do they value? How do they define success? Is this the right time to make the ask? It’s much easier to feel clear and in control when you have taken the time to really do this. Then you can navigate the inevitable ebbs and flows of a negotiation.
How much does body language play a part in negotiation?
I think it plays a huge role. Our nonverbal communication always sends a message, so my advice is to always be in control of the message that it sends. I always suggest that you negotiate in person whenever possible. The reason for that is that you can gain so much more insight when you can pay attention to the nonverbal cues like body language and tone. Be aware of what message your body language is sending the other party. Typically, you want to ensure it signals openness and full engagement in the process.
What is the power of the pause?
A pause is an incredibly powerful tool inside of a negotiation. When I refer to the pause, it can be either a literal moment of silence in a conversation or it can be temporarily walking away from a negotiation. Very rarely does everything happen at once in a negotiation. A pause can:
- Project confidence in your position.
- Limit emotionality, which often destroys negotiations.
- Create anticipation and possibilities.
- Allow you to capture valuable data and insight
- Add perspective
As a general rule, the most powerful time to embrace the pause is after you make your ask.
How can you stop yourself from feeling intimidated in a negotiation?
Stop thinking of negotiating as character trait and recognize that it is a skill that you can learn through practice. I recommend practicing in low stakes scenarios. If you pay attention to it, you’ll be surprised at how many opportunities there are to negotiate every day in your daily routine. Practice so that you can get comfortable with it and improve your skills. Also recognize that negotiation at its core is just a conversation.
What is next for you?
I am in heaven now. I love being able to connect with so many people through the speaking platform and be able to positively impact their lives. What’s next? We are continuing to grow with the goal of offering even more opportunities to help people be their very best—through books, live events, team building, online content and more. I also have some things up my sleeve in the sports space that we are rolling out next year.