What is Love?
The most Googled question in the UK is 'What Is Love?' When everything's going well, we take it for granted – like oxygen - but when it's gone, we suddenly need to understand it. Because, otherwise how you can you work out what went wrong and for importantly find a solution to save your relationship? So I have 50 questions about real life dilemmas and 50 answers together they build up to a comprehensive answer and my definition of love.
Why is love one of the most powerful forces in our lives?
In the past, we stayed together because for financial reasons, what the neighbours would think or for the sake of the children. However, today we will only stay in a relationship if we love and are loved. So love is the glue that both binds us together and blows us apart.
Please tell us about your career as a marriage and relationship therapist.
I've spend thirty years helping couples repair their relationships, and individuals recover from a broken heart and find love again. There have been huge changes. Fortunately, people are much more willing to ask for help and men, in particular, are more prepared to engage with their feelings rather than deny, distract and bury. Unfortunately, technology makes it easier to cheat and provides more graphic proof of infidelity (all the 'loving' texts and even saucy videos) and we expect more from our relationships than ever before but put less time into making them work.
Why do people doubt if they will ever find love?
They probably had a front row seat as their parents destroyed each other and told themselves 'I'm not going to make the same mistake.' So they need to be 100% sure that their love is the real thing and the only way for that to happen is if it is love with a capital L, with lots of sparks and excitement. Unfortunately, that kind of love is more likely to explode or draw you towards exciting but dangerous people (who don't make good long term partners). Plus when there is a problem – which is only natural because it is impossible to live in perfect harmony forever – they panic and think this can't be true love and start the search all over again.
Why do people continue to fall for the same type of person?
If you don't learn from history, you're likely to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Often we recreate the dynamic in our parent's marriage – for example one person pursues and the other flees – because it is familiar and we can easily think 'that's what love looks like.'
Why does passion fade from couple’s sex lives?
The myth about love is that you will be so connected that sex will flow like honey. Sounds great doesn’t it? But real life gets in the way. Instead of learning the skills for sustaining passion, many couples just let sex drop down their list of priorities and hope it will take care of itself.
Can you fall in love with two people at the same time?
No, because it would mean hurting two people at the same time. Certainly you can think you love them but more often than not, the person at the centre of the triangle is trying to hedge their bets, keep everybody happy and ends up making everybody miserable – especially themselves.
What are your top tips for rebuilding love after an affair?
Improve your communication, really listen to each other and tell the truth, rather than what you think the other person wants to hear.
Why do people fall out of love?
What we think protects our love, actually kills it. So if there's a problem, we downgrade our upset, tell ourselves it doesn't matter, smile sweetly and keep the peace. However, we are training ourselves to switch off our feelings and we can't choose which ones. Pretty soon, it's not just the negative ones (like anger) but the positive ones (like love). So my task is always to teach people to argue effectively as this brings all the issues into the open and provides the opportunity to negotiate a resolution.
What is next for you?
I'm going to be writing about how to be middle aged without the depression, affairs or mid-life crisis. It is one of the most challenging times of our lives but if you deal with the issues it throws up, one of the most exciting and fulfilling. So I'm just starting to do the research. In the meantime, I have a book coming out in the spring about how to change your life – especially after a crisis.