To experience nourishing relationships is a basic human need and most of us yearn to be in relationships that will boost our sense of wellbeing.
Carmella B'Hahn
It's a pity that even basic relating and communication skills are absent on the school syllabus. As children we are like sponges, naturally absorbing the behaviour around us, and so, unless we stop and question what we have absorbed from our family and culture, we will unwittingly pass both useful and dysfunctional patterns of relating down the generations.
The good news is that whatever our age and skill level, the potential is always there to improve our communication and enhance our relationships further.
I had a mystery inability to speak as a child and a longing to connect with others that provided me with a powerful incentive to discover how to relate well. It took 52 years of observation, learning and practise before I felt expert enough to write a book on the subject.
What keys did I find? There are 52 keys in Heart of Relating, one per week, to read and integrate across a whole year, but here in a nutshell is a taste of four particularly transformative ones.
KEY 1
Explore your ego: the primary obstacle to successful relationships.
Know that every time you judge someone (including yourself) as better or worse than someone else, your ego is active, which will hinder fruitful communication. Also, the ego thrives on being right, so notice any hint of this and see if you can simply smile when catching your ego in action… and let it go.
KEY 2
Ask: Who am I beyond the 'overcoat' of thoughts, ego, roles and persona?
Most of us think we are our overcoats and communicate from this misplaced identity. When we manage to step out of our busy minds and create spaciousness, words and right action flow intuitively. Our true nature is likely to present itself when we are relaxed, especially in natural settings, and goes into hiding when stressed or trying hard to work anything out. Check what space you are in before communicating anything important.
KEY 3
Live your life from the inside out, not from the outside in.
Observe how often you look at yourself as if through the eyes of others and then morph your behaviour to what you think they want of you (outside in). Niceness and pleasing others leads to dis-ease and resentment because you are giving yourself the message that you don't matter. You do! Take steps towards living from the core of your own being (inside out) and you will be experienced as having more integrity.
KEY 4
Practice 'game free' relationships by becoming more authentic.
The sound of someone being real is very satisfying because the words, tone and non-verbal signals all match up and ring true. This honesty is catching and a sense of safety and flow arises fast in relationships when there is no need for second guessing what lies unexpressed.
Carmella B'Hahn is a counsellor, Conscious Communications Coach and workshop leader. Heart of Relating: Communication Beyond Ego is available from www.heartofrelating.com
