CJ and PK, who write the Sediment blog, are authors of the humorous new paperback I’ve Bought It, So I’ll Drink It: The joys (or not) of drinking wine. To celebrate, they walk us through the four stages wine drinking. 

CJ and PK by Caroline Raphael

CJ and PK by Caroline Raphael

The Student

One: Get bottle of wine, from anywhere, doesn't matter. Probably red

Two: Get cork out using any of the following – corkscrew, table knife, hammer, edge of table, pliers, bare hands, car door, guitar, small firework, drain unblocker

Three: Get bits of shattered cork out of wine. Strain through handkerchief, T shirt or bare hands

Four: Pour into receptacles - glass, mug, jamjar, washed-out catfood tin, bare hands

Five: Savour bouquet

Six: Wipe eyes

Seven: Discuss state of world

Eight: Start fight

Nine: Break up fight using implements in Two, above. Finish off wine to indicate return of friendship, amity, peace etc

Ten: And repeat

CJ

Youth/parenthood

Your first home, your first children, and probably your first dinner parties. Time to impress your work colleagues and in-laws with wine. You try serving it in the decanter you put on your wedding list; you learn it makes red wine look distinguished, and white wine look like a medical sample. You start picking up some basic wine knowledge, like matching country to cuisine, which means cooking more French and Italian, but drinking very little Australian. You seem to be buying more wine, which may or may not be connected to supermarket shopping with a trolley, rather than a basket. Still, at least you can now relax in the evening with a decent bottle – until the baby monitor goes off…                    

PK

Mid-Life

So if I open that Shiraz, there might still be some left over for to-morrow which I could have all to myself because she only really likes that Pinot Grigio stuff - except I haven't got any, how did that happen? I can't believe she's drunk it already, what, has she got hollow legs? She'll have to have Sauvignon Blanc, I mean it's almost the same plus there's some of that cheap fizzy stuff from Chile, but it's got a nice label, only of course the kids will drink everything in the house and still want more so does that mean I've got to open this posh bottle that I've been hoarding pathetically for some unknown dignified occasion just so the kids and their partners can knock it off without even noticing? No! This is my posh bottle of whatever it is, posh, for certain, and they're not having it, so have I just got time to nip out to Sainsbury's and collar another two, no, three, bottles of £5.99 red before they get here?

CJ

The senior drinker

You know you’re a senior drinker when you look at the reports of this year’s Bordeaux, and see that it will be at its peak in 10 years’ time – and that feels like a long-term investment. They say life’s too short to drink bad wine; it might not be, you think to yourself. You’ve reached that stage when people expect you to know about wine; they no longer ask you about the merits of sports cars or ski resorts, but whether Bordeaux is better than Burgundy, and which way round you pass the Port. But at least the bottles you bought in your heyday are now at their best; your pension may not stretch to Premier Grand Cru, but there’s a cellar to be drunk before they tot it up for Probate…                  

PK

CJ and PK, who write the Sediment blog, are authors of the humorous new paperback I’ve Bought It, So I’ll Drink It: The joys (or not) of drinking wine (Metro, £8.99)


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