Okay, here we go. Time to poke the bear. I have been asked to write an article on the top 10 impacts that a fatherless home has on a child. So I grab my laptop and my can of worms and head for the closest minefield. That's because this is such a prickly subject with so many opinions of which I am about to add mine, so here goes…
Agape
Such an ambiguous subject needs to be refined. Why? Because there are amazing single mums out there doing miraculous jobs; I take my hat off to you. It is worth mentioning though, that many women are also perpetrators of child abuse. There are also many amazing dads who do not get to see their children as often as they like for one reason or another. I am not going near either of you here. Nor am I going near the same sex couples. I think that a monogamous same sex couple raising children to be good people knows a heck of a lot more about love than the heterosexual 'Romeo' or 'Casanova', and I'll leave same sex couples at that. Instead, I choose to focus on the next type of father…
Years ago (in the 80's), I worked with a girl who (on observing the growing number of single women and mothers) used to quote her grandmother. "When was the war?" That was her response to a generation of men who were becoming less interested in marriage and family and more interested in the playboy lifestyle; leaving behind a string of single mothers. These are the 'dead beat' dads that President Obama spoke about on June fifteenth, 2008. The dads, regardless of race, who are 'MIA'. Who cut and run as soon as responsibility is thrust upon them. My observations over the decades conclude that there are usually two times these 'men' run. Sometime in the first 2 years from conception or when their children are in the first couple of years of high school.
There is some research stating that Fathers are neither here nor there when it comes to the impact on a child's development. That anyone can jump in and take up that 'father' role. You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." For the record, it is not my responsibility to raise your child dad. It's yours. A teacher can usually pick when a child is going through a family breakdown. There are obvious warning signs and they are not good. There is definitely a negative impact. If the father is a lousy father, leaving the marriage is still not a long term positive result, as two wrongs don't make a right. Yes, I know the argument and there are plenty of people ready to lash out about how bad their father was. You don't have to scratch far beneath the surface of to see how 'bad dad' has impacted on their lives. But I don't want to compare an absent father to the lowest denominator of a bad dad and, if the negative impact of a bad dad is so resonate then wouldn't it go without saying, that the impact of a positive father is just as long lasting and just as strong?
So, what is the negative impact of an absent father? There are many papers on the high percentage of criminal activity, depression, lower school grades, premature sexual activity, suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, self-harm and outright disrespect for women that a fatherless child will have a propensity towards, dramatically more so, than a child from a stable home. This is very serious. Governments around the world are dedicating millions to address this issue in a manner of ways, including educating fathers and families. There, that's the top ten negative impacts. But there are more subtle ways a childhood is affected by 'absent dad'. I am a glass half full kind of person, so for me to address this topic I think I need to look at what a good father brings to a family. Such as love, strength, courage, stability, determination, safety, steadfastness, forgiveness, hope, honour, protection etc. He's the regular 'go to' guy, Mr 'fix it'. He is also the one who knows he's not perfect, makes mistakes and can laugh them off. Oh, and the creator of the lamest but much loved jokes known to man.
When I think of the most significant impacts a fatherless home has on a child, I need look at the positive impacts a father has on a family. Here's my top 10.
10 POSITIVITY
Dads are the ones that are supposed to be outside with their children 'rough housing', wrestling, tackling, playing sport. It's there that children learn valuable lessons in such a positive way. Not only is it a great way to release tension, stay fit and have fun. A Father gets the opportunity to teach his child to accept defeat graciously, respect others, to work as a team and more importantly, to develop self-control. The child learns how to get angry and control their temper. It also encourages them to take risks, knowing that dad is there to catch them when they fall and that even if they do fall, all they need to do is get back up again. Dad's playing with their children forms the building blocks of a man who, in times of trouble, can rise like a phoenix from the ashes and do something remarkably positive for himself, his family and his country for that matter. It all starts in the backyard. That's where you draw your strength from and look back to in times of trouble. You hear your father's encouraging voice and you know you can do anything. Because Dad believed in you then and Dad still believes in you now.
9 HONOUR
In April 1997 an Australian movie called "The Castle" was released. It was about an average Australian man who knew his family was everything in his life. It is a story about how he fought for his families and his neighbours' honour. This sense of pride in the uniqueness and giftedness of his family instilled a sense of honour in his children. Here, blood is thicker money. He cannot be bought out of his home. The memories created by his family in that home are sacred. His land and his family is sacred.
8 DUTY
The man who gets up every day, time after time and goes to work in, more often than not, a job that he dislikes, out of duty to his family, is not a sad fool. He is the foundation of our society. The humility and determination that he projects are very strong lessons that young people need to learn. It's not all about them, it's about the bigger picture. It is about providing for a family, it is about self-sacrifice and is one of the ingredients of unconditional love. It also teaches them the worthiness of work. It develops an understanding that we are not here for a free ride. It is our duty to care for each other and the world, it is not up to the world to look after us.
7 SELF RESPECT
When a father respects his wife and his children he makes them feel worthy, special. The child recognises their significance in the world, as if they are worthy to belong somewhere and the place they belong is pretty special. When a father respects himself and his family, his family cares for themselves more in the way they eat and dress and exercise and expects to be respected by others. This mutual respect of self and others is integral to the healthy development of a child and leads to my next point…
6 CONFIDENCE
Confidence is so important in childhood. It is integral to the development of a child. When a child is told 'go on, have a go, or, give it a try, or, you can do it', they believe in themselves. They don't have that little voice of self-doubt in their head inhibiting their efforts because, well, because it just isn't there. It never has been. They will try and try again because they know that they can do it. They know that they can get it right. The more they achieve, the more they achieve and in turn, the more their confidence grows. It really is a no brainer and simple, but my, oh my, it is so important to hear those encouraging words from a father.
5 STRENGTH
When we are young we imitate our parents. We play in the kitchen, we mow the lawn, we see strength in our mothers and we see strength in our fathers. Our fathers show us a natural strength that I'm sorry ladies they beat most of us on hands down. This strength is something that a mother and children rely on. It gives us security and it shows us that we are safe. Not only is there physical strength, there's mental strength. It is in the daily nuances of family life that men need to demonstrate their mental strength. Why? Because they react to things in a different way from women. Hopefully calmer. It is character building for children. It develops integrity, responsibility and moreover, resilience.
4 RESILIENCE
Resilience, we all need resilience. I learnt that mostly from my Father. My Father had an accident when I was very young. He was told that he would probably never work again and that he would have to have his leg removed. Neither of those things happened. My Father fought through more than ten operations to keep his leg and then found a job that he could handle. He worked at that job five and six days a week, without a sick day. He worked that job through to retirement age. Now that's resilience. Enough said.
3 SELF-CONTROL
We learn from our father's self-control that everything is to be done in moderation. We learn from the way our father takes care of himself that we must also take care of ourselves. We learn that even though we would like to watch TV at some stage that there is work to be done and we cannot rest until that work is done. We also learn from the fact that our father stays with our mother throughout the years, through thick and thin, without leaving or having an affair that good things take self-control.
2 COURAGE
We watch our fathers studying politics and staying abreast of current affairs. We hear our fathers stand up for things that we cannot. We watch our fathers fight for the rights of children, of women and human rights. We see how a group of men gathered together for the rights of someone less powerful can change the world. It is this courage that great men demonstrate every day, in little ways that can build to something great. My father wasn't afraid to speak out. My father wasn't afraid to tell me he loved me.
1 LOVE
The love a father has for his children is unique. But first, the love that a man has for his wife and how he shows that love impacts greatly on a child. It develops a girls' expectation of how a man should treat her and it also shows a boy how he is to treat women. It is one part of the most important lesson a man can teach his children. The second part of that lesson is how he treats his children. A father that loves his child unconditionally is more valuable than any other lesson and more valuable than anything else in this world. The number one impact that my father had on me was love. My father told me every day how much he loved me. I did not go to bed at night wondering how he felt. He was strong, disciplined yet gentle and loving. I knew that no matter what I had done, he may get mad, but his love for me was never in question. We are born into this world to love and be loved and any void in this area is, I believe, where all society's problems stem from. I think back to when I was young, holding my father's hand. Just as the mustard seed has all the potential to be the greatest tree on earth; when I held my father's hand, that first instant, every time, I felt each and every one of the ten steps above. All his love, his talents and characteristics passed through me; and all my talents and potential stirred in me. It was as if I was on his shoulders. I felt protected, invincible and loved. I often held my father's hand in silence, nourished by his love. It is where I sought shelter and where I drew my strength.
It is four years ago today that my Father left this world. On the day my Father died, I knew I would never hold that strong, warm, soft hand again. I knew then, I was never going to feel that love ever again. No man could ever love me like my father did. No man. I felt sorry for myself for a while, then I realised; his love is still with me, every moment of every day. How lucky I have been and how fortunate I am to carry his love in my heart now.
What a cruel and miserable miscarriage of justice it is to deprive a child of that 'love' which is rightfully theirs.
This piece was contributed by Maryanne Pickard, author of "Agape," a book aiming to help parents everywhere start tough conversations with their sons.