My novel The Square is a saucy romp set in a London garden square and essentially mocks the inhabitants who are of course typically middle class. Here are ten things which I tease them about. I know this arena only too well because I too live in a London garden square…
Rosie Millard
- Everyone has a knock through kitchen. This kitchen, which always inhabits the entire basement of the house, must feature a) an island b) a giant, humming American style fridge and c) a blackboard, on which aspirational and improving things are written such as Persimmon and Dark Chocolate. You must never put essential things such as Nit Lotion onto the blackboard
- Servants, which include nannies, aupairs, piano teachers and school teachers, are lesser beings. They are there to service the residents. They are not there to drink real coffee, play the piano or have opinions.
- Art is reserved for the adults and not a pleasure to be shared with the children. However the art forms enjoyed are always at least 60 years old. They are never anything to do with photography, contemporary art, or, heaven forbid, performance art which is regarded as 'totally weird.'
- Children must all learn how to play at least one orchestral instrument, or failing that, the piano. The object of learning how to play an instrument is solely to pass Grade exams and perform in front of adults at key moments. Music is more important than sport for the simple reason that it is easier to brag about.
- Key social moments within the neighbourhood are centred around food. In ascending order of importance, these go from afternoon tea, through Sunday lunch with parents, reaching the social apex which is still the Supper Party. (Nobody calls them dinner parties any more). Menus for said gatherings either include nursery food such as fishcakes, or impossibly grand concoctions such as braised lamb inside individual gourds. There is no happy medium. Everyone only drinks champagne and then red wine. Everyone gets totally pissed. Nobody smokes. Occasional sex upstairs during a party with another party is sometimes achieved.
- Nobody has sex with their married partners.
- Television is slightly sneered upon but secretly admired. TV celebrities are scorned but actually carry huge importance.
- Nobody has any liquid assets. Everything goes on houses, cars and school fees. However everyone pretends they have lots of money. Talking about earnings, or lack of them, is regarded as vulgar. Nobody dares to send their children to state school.
- Children are required to be achieving something at every stage of the school year and indeed, school day. This includes exams, grades, sporting achievements, artistic achievements, creations from Lego and politeness to grandparents. They must never stray into doing nothing, or doing something which leads to nothing. Boredom is dangerous.
- Nobody acknowledges that they are thinking about sex. In actual fact everyone thinks about it all the time. Sexual fantasies in this bourgeois enclave include either having sex with a neighbour, or the nanny, in an exciting place (never the bedroom). To find out where, you will have to read The Square.
