A comedian's life is full of purpose. From the moment we wake till the moment we go to sleep, it's all a rush to work on our craft. Let me walk you through what a typical day looks like for me;
The day starts whenever my eyes happen to open. No alarm clock. It's nature all the way. Then I lie in bed for a few minutes until I decide to close my eyes and sleep for another hour to hour and a half. After I wake up the second time, I repeat that again and sleep for another 45 minutes or so. I just keep repeating that until I physically can't sleep any longer.
Then I check Instagram 9 times. Nobody's gonna do it for you, you know? You gotta take charge of your own life.
At some point, I notice the sun is starting to go down, so I force myself to get outside and get some vitamin D before I want to commit suicide.
Then I'm out and about. I walk around New York deciding where to eat. Sometimes I call friends to see if they want to join me. Sometimes I go at it alone.
After food, I go back to my apartment, shower, put on a different shirt than the one I slept in, apply Rogaine to my hair in a desperate and failing attempt to save what's left of my hair, and then head out for spots. In New York, I do between 2 and 6 sets a night. That means running from club to club. Getting on the subway, renting a public bike, jumping in a cab, or just hightailing it on foot across town. If I'm using the time correctly, I work on one bit and really try to tweak it over and over again until it's noticeably improved in at least one area. If I'm not using the time correctly, I just run jokes that are already decent and don't try to change anything. I'd say I use the time correctly around 60% of the time.
When I'm done with my last spot, I have a drink to unwind. That sometimes turns into 3-6 drinks and keeps me up till about 5am. Or it means just one drink. Afterwards, I go back to my apartment, stopping at one of the many food places (I won't say restaurant at that hour) that are open in Manhattan and take it to go so I can watch something on TV while I eat it, and then I take my computer to my bed, handle my business (that means masturbating) and then go to sleep.
And so end a typical day in the life of a working comedian in New York.
When I'm on the road, it's a little bit different. But that's 10 days out of 14.
See Ari Shaffir: Ari S-P-E-C-T at Heroes @ The Hive Cave from 5th-27th August, 6.30pm. For tickets visit www.edfringe.com